


stellarum

by taekooqs



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-17
Updated: 2016-02-17
Packaged: 2018-05-21 07:02:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 28,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6042511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taekooqs/pseuds/taekooqs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>in which sehun has spent his whole life trying to forget while baekhyun struggles to remember.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. prologue: niveus

 

a sea of white surrounds sehun, engulfing him in the dull patterns of blank walls and scattered paper planes. fingers are calloused by anger and abandonment, ruined by hours spent folding and crafting paper planes lacking the ability to fly, instead doomed to rot on the floor of that infernal room. he can’t remember for how long he has been sitting there, folding paper plane after paper plane, hoping to drown in them and with them for he can’t afford the emptiness resulting from the sorrows that so stubbornly claimed their throne in his sternum and refuse to cease. he has successfully eliminated, or so he tells himself, the memories of the last time he’s seen the sun and the last time he’s felt a cold breeze run through his hair, matters he couldn’t care less for at the moment, and he finds peace in that.

but he still remembers his touch, his smile and his laugh. they’re embossed in the back of his mind and sehun wonders, if only he shut his eyes hard enough, if he could reach out and feel the warmth that used to fill his days once upon a time.

“i thought you weren’t one to hold onto the past.”

his eyes open again, met with a spot of black staining his otherwise blanket of pure white. a spot that is not a shadow but an individual; someone he hasn’t seen in a long time.  
“and i thought you were dead.” is sehun’s indifferent reply, disinterested gaze falling back on the wrinkled paper sheet in his hands as he entertains himself folding, for the millionth time, a simple plane.

“i am. and i’d say it’s about time you accept it, little brother.”  
sehun makes a strangled noise at this, hand moving to scratch the back of his head perhaps a bit too harshly as his calm expression morphs into a frown, folding actions becoming less careful. he sticks to silence.

“this looks cosy.” sehun watches from the corner of his eye as the man leans against one of the walls, right hand knuckles lazily knocking on it. “needs a bit of colour, though.”

“i don’t need your sarcasm, jongin.”

“do you need a bottle of pills instead?” calm words that pierce sehun’s chest like a dozen daggers, fingers wrinkling the paper in a tight hold as he clenches his teeth; a clear sign the question hit right on the self-protective barrier sehun had built out of aircraft toys. sight this that seems to amuse the visitor. “breathe, sehun. you don’t want to be sedated again.”

sehun sighs audibly, head leaning back against the wall in a rather brusque way as he drops the ruined paper plane, gaze set on the haunting white as he hears jongin hum. “how many are here?”

“thirty-eight.”

“repetitions?”

“four.”

“my god.” jongin breathes out something akin to a chuckle. “all the paper you’ve wasted.”

the corner of sehun’s lips twitch at the comment, eyes like empty shells finally allowing him to look at the other male. it was funny, sehun had to admit, and awfully depressing how he was fully conscious the standing figure of his brother was but a cruel mind trick and he was, in fact, adding to his self-pity by talking to no one but his own ears – yet he still found himself hoping and wishing he could reach out and actually touch jongin. “i miss him,” he whispers as if sharing a secret, the saddest of smiles stretching on his lips. “i miss you, too.”

weakness, sehun was taught, is something one must never show. words embossed in the back of his mind by parents who refused to accept the shame of holding a crying son in their arms.

jongin had been the only one to ever let him in his embrace, hidden away from their parents and the strict minds they held, allowing his little brother to have the comfort he himself never had.

which is why jongin turning his back on him is the biggest proof sehun can have that this entire conversation is but an illusion, just like the many he’s held inside those four walls.

“don’t be weak, brother dear.” jongin advises, feet starting to take him towards the door; the exit sehun is deprived of. “neither of us is coming back.”

sehun wonders when will he finally drown in misery lake and be granted rest at last.

 


	2. part one: ravus

sehun’s life could easily be described as a series of compartments, divided into distinct groups and set to be as simple as possible. pure simplicity isn’t a luxury he can afford no matter how hard he tries, doomed to see too much where everyone else sees too little. his mind is bursting, overflowing, yet sehun sticks to sanity with the use of a permanent mind palace where he can lock unimportant and consequently bothersome matters for the majority of his day.

a degree in psychology wouldn’t be enough to satisfy his necessity for answers nor clear his hopeless doubts; instead he attempts discoveries on his own while avoiding any situation that may require a lot of memorising. useless trivia taught in school that is easily forgotten a month later sticks to sehun’s brain like glue, and no matter how hard he tries to scrape it off, the residue always proves to be more resistant than sehun’s incessant trying.

the ability to forget is a blessing sehun can’t possibly taste.

 

 

there is, however, something that manages to catch sehun’s attention enough to bubble up such degrading feeling as curiosity, to cook up a desire to actually know that sehun can’t recall ever having before. for someone who has spent his whole life running away from knowledge and its consequences, he finds himself surprisingly intrigued by the behaviour patterns of this one person living in the apartment building just next to his own. a boy named baekhyun that surely can’t be much older than himself, with hair like the night sky and eyes that remind sehun of the puppy the old lady living above his home walks every morning from roughly half past eight to nine am. it is not however this boy’s appearance that tugs at his curiosity; it’s the way they sometimes cross paths on the sidewalk and although they’ve been greeting each other for at least half a year now, sometimes his neighbour just doesn’t seem to recognise sehun. it doesn’t happen all the time, and perhaps that’s the most interesting part for the dark-haired male may recognise him for five days straight and on the sixth ruin his successful combo with confused looks and unsure words, realisation apparently hitting him the moment sehun walks up the front door stairs of the apartment next to his own.

perhaps baekhyun has a clouded memory and if so sehun envies him for that, yet even though sehun himself isn’t quite the best person to give judgment on the workings of a perfectly normal memory, he is quite sure that following the logic of habit his neighbour would recognise him by now regardless of the situation.

it is by this sole reason – by the itching sensation of curiosity begging at him to fill another drawer of his mind palace with this boy – that sehun finds himself set on the task of getting to know more about this neighbour of his.

that night he finds himself filled with comical defeat and hope to not regret this decision.

 

 

baekhyun seems fond of this one coffeeshop only a few blocks away from their apartment buildings, hidden in between a florist and a simple clothing shop. sehun himself despises coffeeshops and any sort of social building, avoiding them like the plague for he can’t afford filling his mind with accidental eavesdropping of a stranger’s random conversation that doesn’t concern him at all. the fact that he finds himself following the path to said coffeeshop that day makes him wonder if he has lost his mind at last, it almost making him want to laugh because this must be same type of curiosity a child would feel.

he is, however, pleasantly surprised to find out the coffeeshop is cosier than he’d ever expected. it’s smaller than he thought and that pleases him for not many persons are in there at the same time and the sound of chattering is quiet and distant, allowing sehun to easily ignore it. the walls are painted of a warm cream and pink that easily remind anyone of sweets, complemented by the inviting scent of freshly baked goods. the place definitely doesn’t fall under sehun’s idea of aesthetics but he can appreciate change and he can surely so understand why the coffeeshop would be visually appealing to pastry lovers.

finding himself a seat near the entrance, sehun allows his gaze to scan the room in search of the sole reason he went to that place – finding him not seated like sehun, but near the counter, apparently lost in enthusiastic chatter with the waiter. they seemed close, leading sehun to wonder if that was the reason baekhyun went to that coffeeshop so often. curiosity pulled at his chest once more and sehun would have wanted to hit himself if only he could deny the bubbling sensation in his veins, something akin to excitement running through them as the twenty-one years old found himself drawn to this feeling of greed.

mindlessly distracted by observing his neighbour, sehun is almost taken aback the moment a female waitress he had failed to notice earlier comes up by his table, warm smile on her lips and pen and notepad ready to take his order. he’s quick to request for a simple coffee, no sugar, small polite smile offered as he watches the girl walk away before returning his attention to baekhyun.

baekhyun had a rather cheerful voice for such a quiet coffeeshop and more often not sehun was able to catch a phrase or two from their conversation, the topic orbiting around stars and its cosmos wonders. in fact, such tiny bits of floating words gave sehun an idea of his own, the corner of his lips curling upwards in anticipation.

he figured that if he was truly going to experience a desire to know, he might as well do it in an interesting way.

 

 

childish is the word that flashes bright in sehun’s mind. fun is the word that leads his fingers as he folds, here and there, a blank paper sheet.

fun. he tastes the word with fondness and nostalgia, locking away the bitterness that attempted to mix in between. fun reminds him of a summer cottage in a calm forest, of adventures exploring corners and tripping over roots as his brother leads him by the hand. sehun had always been a follower; he enjoyed instructions because it was easy for him to stick to them and prevent failure. he enjoyed the feeling of his brother’s hand in his, tugging at him, pulling and pulling him further into the forest and away from their parents’ requests of carefulness.

sehun had always been a follower but not jongin, never jongin. jongin was a leader in every sense of the word, in each letter and spelling. jongin, much unlike sehun, never once cowered over the unknown.

maybe that was the reason sehun looked up at him with admiration and envy.

he swallows his reminiscent sighs and instead focuses on the neat paper plane born from his skilled hands. he’s well aware of how silly his actions are and it leads him to amuse himself with wonders of what lead him to actually perform it for ideas always look better in one’s head, often coming as a disappointment when performed at last. sehun can’t exactly tell if he deems the innocent paper plane as a disappointment but he surely questions his own intentions.

he doesn’t quite know what he expects after sending the plane off; he’s not quite sure what he expects as a reaction. perhaps he doesn’t expect anything at all. perhaps he only hopes instead, hopes to make baekhyun intrigued and interested and perhaps smile because his smile has to be one of the most radiant he’s ever had the pleasure of witnessing.

standing up from his undone bed, it takes him three lazy steps to stop in front of his bedroom window. the paper plane idea sprouted from the convenient fact that his window and baekhyun’s, in the apartment right next to his own, faced each other. sehun had found such fact awfully unpleasant at first given as everyone enjoys a nice aesthetic view rather than the dull colour of a twin apartment, yet his opinion was bound to change the day he left the window open and heard the sound of piano from the other building. baekhyun had a habit of leaving his window open, sehun came to notice, which aided in letting the music notes flow towards sehun despite the instrument being placed elsewhere for sehun could tell it wasn’t in his neighbour’s room. sometimes he could hear the faint melodic sound of baekhyun’s voice singing along but sehun much preferred when baekhyun sang in his room, allowing him much better judgment over the voice. soft around the edges, pleasing to the ear; sehun decided he liked his window’s position very much indeed.

baekhyun’s window was once again left open yet sehun knew he wasn’t home. he raised the paper plane in his hand and aimed once, aimed twice, and threw.

as he watched the plane fly through baekhyun’s window and land in his room, a smile stretched on sehun’s lips.

 

 

it’s ten in the morning when sehun crosses paths with baekhyun on the naked sidewalk. his neighbour, a creature of habit, was on his way towards the coffeeshop as per usual. sehun, a being of torn routines, had nowhere to go and thus offered to walk alongside the shorter.

“you visit that place often.” sehun comments, hands kept in his front pockets as baekhyun looked up at him, a questioning ‘hmm?’ hung softly in the air. “the coffeeshop, i mean.” he corrects, something akin to a smile pulling at the corner of his lips. “don’t mind me. just something i’ve noticed.”

“oh. yes.” baekhyun nods, own lips curved into a pretty little smile that never seemed to leave his features. “my best friend works there, so i spend a lot of my time with him.”

“i see.” sehun hums. a pleasant silence sets in, but not one that would grant him answers; so, he breaks it off once more. “if i’m not being indiscreet, what do you do for a living?”

“ah,” baekhyun purses his lips and sehun thinks he’s not going to reply at all, watching from the corner of his eye as baekhyun shrugs his shoulders almost awkwardly. “i’m actually not working at the moment. it’s, um. complicated.”

“i’m sorry.” sehun replies, honesty failing to present itself in his voice.

“it’s okay.”

another white silence. this time, it takes them about three or four steps until baekhyun is the one breaking it off. “what about you?”

“i’m not working, either.” sehun replies nonchalantly, keeping his gaze set straight ahead. “i used to be involved with racing, but not anymore.”

baekhyun smiles. “that’s funny.”

“what is?”

“you don’t look like an adrenaline adept.”

sehun stops in his track and looks at the smaller, small smile spreading on his own chapped lips. he eyes him, seemingly in thought, before humming and resuming their walk. “i don’t, do i?”

guess appearances can be deceiving.

 

 

later that night, sehun is drawn to the distant melodies coming from baekhyun’s apartment once more. he doesn’t recognise the melody but that doesn’t stop him from appreciating the piano tune, leaning on his window sill. mid july and the night was hot, a soft breeze coming highly appreciated as it ran through sehun’s hair. there truthfully wasn’t much of a view besides the apartment windows on the building next to his own, some lit, some dark.

sehun enjoyed to wonder about the lives of other people and he much preferred imagination to actual facts for imagination is the only momentary information he can actually let go of. it was wonderful, and perhaps fascinating, just how many different lives there were in just one small town; how many different relations, different routines, different daily activities.

how much freedom there was all around him that sehun seemed unable to reach out and grab a bit for himself as well.

once bored of his thoughts, sehun folded three more simple paper planes and watched them fly into his neighbour’s life instead.

 

 

“paper planes do not sprout from the floor, byun baekhyun.” the coffeeshop waiter - named kyungsoo, sehun learnt that day - lightly scolded baekhyun as the boy busied himself in wonders and interest over a simple paper plane held by delicate fingers.

paper plane this that sehun recognises as one he sent himself.

after a convenient crossing of paths happened yet again during that morning and baekhyun invited him along for a coffee, sehun offered him a curve of a smile for he couldn’t possibly refuse. that’s why he now finds himself seated next to his dark-haired neighbour in front of the coffeeshop counter, politely sipping his black coffee as he listens, in inward amusement, to the conversation going on.

“i’m not saying it grew from the floor or something.” baekhyun defended himself, brows furrowing slightly in offence as he placed the paper plane next to his own cup of tea. “but it definitely wasn’t there before.”

“you probably made them yourself and you just can’t remember.” kyungsoo replied rather nonchalantly yet regret seemed to sting him almost immediately afterwards, a cautious glance stolen towards sehun in an act that he identified as of someone who had perhaps said a little too much. taking the hint, sehun glanced towards the bread in display instead, bringing his cup of coffee back to his lips.

baekhyun too glanced towards sehun, something akin to hurt in his gaze as he took the paper plane back in his hands, softly sighing out, “maybe”.

sehun tried not to smile. his source of interest had just almost been confirmed and sehun would be lying if he said this didn’t simply make him even more curious.

 

 

baekhyun seemed intrigued enough by the paper planes and sehun decided it was about time he’d try something else.

a game is better played by two and sehun is forced to agree, too many games played on his own resulting in endless hours of loneliness he’s grown quite tired of. sehun is curious not about a thing but about a human being just like himself, condition this that strenuously implies two persons.

and as much as sehun could make this one-sided, could gather just enough information to satisfy this burning curiosity guilty of corroding his ribcage, maybe, just maybe, he willingly wants baekhyun personally involved too. maybe, just maybe, baekhyun’s smile proved itself to be addicting and sehun was left craving for not only for more, but to be the reason behind them as well.

what an unsettling feeling, ridiculous to say the least, amusing to say the most.

as he eyes his newly done blank paper plane, folded to near perfection, a smile makes his lips its home as sehun uncaps a marker and writes, on one of the plane’s wings, a short message in thin handwriting.

‘i heard you like stars’

onto a second paper plane his sentence continues.

‘so i thought i’d add some planes’

and with a third was it complete, childish smile curling on his lips as he drew the lines of rather wonky stars on the edges.

‘and here are some stars on a plane’

as the planes cut the short distance between the buildings and off they fly into baekhyun’s room, sehun finds himself wondering if he was actually the one getting caught up in a web of celestial wonders.

 

 

a week went by before it happened again.

it had to be purely ironic how sehun let himself be distracted by silly paper craft that he almost forgot what brought him to baekhyun in the first place. curiosity replaced by mild interest, the base of it all left in the shadows of smiles and mysterious messages.

he finds himself on the sidewalk leading the street of repetitive dull buildings after a short five pm walk. other matters occupied his mind but fate still seemingly wanted to set him up with baekhyun for the very familiar mop of black hair pops in his line of sight as he raises his head, most likely returning from the coffeeshop judging by the time.

his mind doesn’t allow him to fully register the view before his feet are taking him towards his neighbour in large steps, this automatic feeling he grew of being drawn to the shorter speaking louder than any thought.

“baekhyun.” syllables pronounced in a gentle manner that hardly suited sehun at all, a hand raising in a short greeting as he closed the long distance between the two by stopping in front of the smaller man. baekhyun raises his gaze from the oversized screen of his mobile phone and the lack of his trademark rectangular smile should have been enough of a sign.

“sorry,” the apology comes, followed by a question that paints sehun’s chest a mix of red and blue. “do i know you?”

“ah.” the corners of taller’s lips twitch in a smile. the question makes him feel like laughing, and he probably did, judging by the confused gaze in baekhyun’s eyes. the bitter irony, biting right back at sehun’s chest. the magnificent price to pay for curiosity. “so you forgot.”

this was what started it all, the sin to his curse, the poison to his mind. there was a sickening pleasure sehun found in the idea of being forgotten by someone who clearly had faint memories of him for such ability went beyond the engines of sehun’s brain. days spent talking and smiling at each other occupied sehun’s mind and therefore successfully replaced this crucial bit of information, throwing it in the shadows of their sunlit days.

this distraction provided by spending time with baekhyun, sehun concluded, would be the closest thing to forgetting he would ever have the pleasure of experiencing.

the petit male was still looking up at him, waiting, expecting, and sehun smiled. “name’s oh sehun. i live right there.” he pointed towards the towering building to their side, lips stretching wider as he merely offered a curt bow of head. “stay well, baekhyun.”

and as he turned to walk away, feeling the presence of baekhyun’s eyes staring at his back, he bluntly ignored the stinging feeling trying to make itself noticeable in his sternum.

 

 

later that day, sehun’s attention was drawn from the book he was distracting himself with to the dragging noises coming from baekhyun’s room. with a raised brow, he straightens his column by sitting back up on the single-sized bed, watching his neighbour drag a small two-step ladder into his bedroom.

sehun finds himself observing as baekhyun collects the paper planes, strings and tape, and gets to work.

 

 

“so about baekhyun,” sehun casually so sparks conversation straightforwardly to the topic that actually matters to him, lazily dragging his finger around the edges of his usual cup of coffee as a polite smile pins itself on his lips. he trails off and kyungsoo raises a questioning eyebrow, looking up at the light-haired male.

“what about him?” he replies just as casually, returning his attention to the glasses he was currently cleaning. there weren’t many customers present yet; in fact, the coffeeshop had just opened about twenty minutes ago.

baekhyun himself wasn’t there yet either and that was exactly part of sehun’s plan.

“you know,” sehun hums, shrugging a shoulder before resting his head on his hand. “sometimes he does this thing where he kinda forgets who i am.”

kyungsoo emits a noise similar to a hum, choked back by what sehun deemed as a short wave of anxiety. it was splashed obvious on the waiter’s face that this was not a topic he would be too fond of, but sehun was never one to worry himself much with others’ thoughts and personal spaces. he recalls jongin used to scold him a lot over such imperfect trait.

“am i just that ugly, or does he do this with others too?”

“it’s not just you.” kyungsoo sighs, brows forming a soft crease on his forehead as annoyance reflects in his features. “it’s anyone he meets recently. he might forget about you one moment and then remember the next day.”

“so it’s kind of like an on and off switch?” sehun interrupts, humming as he drums his fingers on the counter. “how convenient.”

a terrific choice of words for if looks could kill, the glare kyungsoo sends his way surely would have done the job. “are you mocking him?”

“oh no, no. not at all.” sehun’s lips curl into a polite smile that does not look apologetic in its essence, straightening himself in his seat, digits resuming their drumming. unconsciously, he finds himself tapping his fingers to one of the melodies he heard from baekhyun’s apartment. “i’m intrigued. i’ve never heard of such condition before in someone so young.”

kyungsoo’s reply comes under the mere form of a sigh and sehun can almost feel the unease dripping from it, constant glances stolen towards the coffeeshop’s entrance.

“listen,” he starts once more, voice relaxing as if his defensive wall started to crumble under sehun’s pressure. “baekhyun can’t afford playing around. if you only mean to joke around, then please, for his own sake, don’t.”

kyungsoo sounds awfully sincere and if sehun were anyone else, perhaps he’d feel apprehensive of his actions, perhaps he’d let remorse force him to rethink everything through – but sehun is sehun and instead he only raises his hands a bit, honest smile of his own stretching on his lips. “my intentions are pure, sir.”

playfulness from his part didn’t amuse kyungsoo in the slightest, lower lip worried in between his teeth as he chewed away his thoughts. he looked as if pondering whether or not to say something he might regret later and sehun could feel eagerness bubbling in his chest. when he parts his lips sehun leans in, anticipating. “and one more thing-“

but the tingling of the door’s bell announces baekhyun’s arrival and kyungsoo immediately falls into silence.

 

 

sehun lied.

his intentions surely could not be deemed as pure. after all, the one and mere reason sehun found himself drawn to baekhyun in the first place was curiosity; a desire to get closer merely to satisfy himself and only himself as he fully figures out just what exactly justified his neighbour’s actions. once such curiosity would wash away, there would be nothing left of his interest in continuing his involvement with baekhyun.

truthfully, sehun and purity simply didn’t go well together for corruption has made itself at home in his body ever since an age where fantasy and daydreaming should be his only concerns.

perhaps his lack of a decent childhood is the cause of his tendency to fall under childish behaviour at an adult age, never minding kyungsoo’s honest request and instead caring only for personal amusement as he finds himself, the next sunday afternoon, folding more paper planes.

baekhyun has been playing piano for quite a while now, altering between known tunes and pretty melodies sehun has never heard before. he’s not quite the expert in music matters; having a song stuck in one’s head reaches a whole new level in his case.

it’s when baekhyun starts playing a lullaby that fits sehun’s game ridiculously well that he uncaps his dark marker, writing the lyrics on paper wings alongside the distant notes played by his neighbour.

‘twinkle twinkle little star’ ‘how i wonder what you are’

‘up above the world so high’ ‘like a diamond in the sky’

‘when the blazing sun is gone’ ‘when he nothing shines upon’

‘then you show your little light’,

he realises baekhyun has stopped.

sehun stops too.

raising his gaze from the unfinished plane, sehun watches as the dark-haired boy enters his room. there’s only so much he can witness from his window but he manages to see as baekhyun kneels on his carpeted floor, interest captivated by the newly arrived paper crafts. the corner of sehun’s lips twitches in what perhaps deemed to be a proud smile, fingers keeping a firm hold of the one in his hand.

as baekhyun seemed distracted enough, sehun quickly scribbled the rest of the lyrics and threw the completing paper plane.

he leans in, arms folded over his window sill, and he watches with amusement as baekhyun’s droopy eyes widen upon meeting his own. “hi.” the casual greeting comes, hand raising in a lazy wave.

his neighbour doesn’t seem to join him in calm behaviour and instead he’s up in a jump, clumsy feet quickly taking him towards his own window while the rectangular smile sehun grew fond of spreads on his lips. “so it was you..!”

“i do suppose.” sehun replies nonchalantly, softly shrugging his shoulder as the lazy smile remains on his lips. “surprise?”

the chuckle that leaves baekhyun’s lips feels fresher than the summer breeze and sehun finds himself hoping winter doesn’t come.

“i like what you did with them.” sehun comments before baekhyun has a chance of adding to the conversation, head tilting as he raises a hand to point behind the boy. “that’s a cute idea.”

the paper planes sehun had sent so far up to that day hung from the ceiling of baekhyun’s bedroom, held by strings the smaller had spent the other day tapping at different heights. it wasn’t ingenious, and sehun could imagine all that tape on baekhyun’s ceiling looked rather unceremonious, but the idea was, indeed, something the male would categorise as cute.

“oh,” baekhyun breathes out, another one of those chuckles that pulls at sehun’s heartstrings escaping past his lips as he glances behind. “is it? thank you.” he pauses, and sehun watches his neighbour’s thoughtful expression; lips squeezing together, fingers dragging across his window sill. baekhyun is so easily readable. “i didn’t know what to do with them, and i didn’t want to throw them away.. so i thought of this.”

sehun hums, taking notice of the hint of shyness making itself noticeable on the smaller’s features. “i’m flattered.”

as baekhyun raises his gaze, two metre distance and four metre fall separating them, sehun finds himself lost in the passing seconds of their shared smile.

 

 

the sound of boiling water is one that hurriedly rises in volume, pulling at sehun’s thoughts and distracting him from the comfortable silence he had been sharing with the shorter. baekhyun is quick to get on his feet, muttering something about tea that sehun didn’t register as he went busy himself with cups and leaves. sehun, though, was far more interested in digesting the scenery surrounding him.

baekhyun’s kitchen was simple, amazingly simple just like the rest of his house. he had expected far more colour yet all he saw was white, a colour they shared in room decoration yet one that seemed definitely brighter in baekhyun’s flat rather than his own.

it was as if baekhyun managed to turn a colour that has grown to feel so dull to sehun cosy and lively with his mere presence.

the windows in front of baekhyun presented him with the exact view his own kitchen did for their floor plans were identical, cursed to the gloomy view of empty roads and scarce street trees. sehun found it to be hardly visually appealing although fitting for someone like himself, whose sight and aesthetics sense are as dull as the presented scenery.

(it did not fit baekhyun. not at all.)

“here.” his thoughts are once more ripped and torn apart, gaze falling to the shiny porcelain as baekhyun places a full cup of tea in front of him.

“thank you,” sehun replies, corner of his lips turning upwards in a polite smile that baekhyun reciprocates, reclaiming his seat in front of him on his tiny kitchen table. sehun mindlessly stirs the liquid for self-entertainment while it was too hot, gaze set on baekhyun and him only. “thank you for inviting me over.”

most people tend to give sehun a dirty eye with the way the taller stares so indiscreetly yet baekhyun hardly seems bothered at all, in fact returning and holding the visual contact just the same. “that’s alright.” he smiles, cup carefully brought to his lips for a tiny sip before placing it back on the table. “we’ve never had a proper chat before, have we? i figured it would be about time.”

“indeed.” sehun’s smile widens the slightest and he’s the one to break eye contact, instead focusing back on the colourless smoke born from the tea and suffering the fate of evaporation shortly after. a dance of rise and fall; sehun enjoyed it.

“so,” baekhyun starts, resting an elbow on the table and leaning his head on his hand as a warm smile makes itself at home on his lips. “tell me about you.”

“me?” eyebrows raise high, amusement threatening to make itself noticeable on his features. for its avoidance, sehun’s gaze remains on his teaspoon. “i’m afraid i’m not exactly the most interesting person out there, if you want my fair opinion.”

“well, i don’t want your fair opinion.” baekhyun lightly replies, shrugging shoulders and smiling wider. “i want your facts.”

“nosy.”

“i’ve been told.”

sehun smiles. baekhyun grins. the witty replies, sehun has to admit, had their own charm to it. behaviour this that surely would annoy him coming from any other being, yet baekhyun seemed to manage his way around it.

an interesting turn of events.

baekhyun seems determined in getting these facts indeed, pushing the topic a little more, a little further. “tell me about your family.”

“ah,” the million dollar question, hit straight on point right on a first try. sehun’s lips curve into a smile, sipping his cooling tea before replying. “humble family, nothing extraordinary. my father was a lumberjack, my mother a simple housewife. i had a brother, too. older by four years.”

baekhyun eyes him carefully, attention and interest clear in his gaze as he pursed his lips softly. “where is he now?”

sehun smiles a bitter smile. “six feet under, i’m afraid.”

“oh.”

there’s something akin to guilt that seems to immediately take over baekhyun’s expression, leaning back on his seat as front teeth sink on his thin lower lip. “i’m sorry.”

“don’t be.”

pity is yet another luxury sehun can’t possibly afford, the thought of it bringing him no more inner peace than its lack of. to say his brother’s death was an event buried and confined away in his ribcage would be a lie for it was closer to an open wound than anything else, but sehun has learnt to hide bruises and scratched knees since a young age.

the next silence to set in is definitely heavier than the ones they previously shared, all of its tense atmosphere radiating from baekhyun only. the shorter’s lips are pressed in a thin line, gaze set on the plastic table as he drums his fingers on it with soft tapping sounds. he clicks his tongue and attempts to save the situation. “what do you do for a living?”

sehun’s smile has remained the entire time out of politeness if anything, yet said question stretched it as he brought the teacup back to his lips. “you’ve asked me that before.”

"have i?"

"yes."

"oh," baekhyun blinks. "i must have forgotten."

"i figured."

baekhyun doesn’t look at him but sehun can almost pin-point the unease taking over the smaller’s expression, brows knitting together a soft crease on baekhyun’s forehead as he seemed to hold back a sigh.

a sign of acknowledgement. a spark to sehun’s interest.

it’s his turn to lean in, sharp eyes fixed on droopy ones, voicing out the wish he’s had since two lonely nights ago. “come watch the stars with me.”

“the stars?” the sudden request successfully catches baekhyun off guard, gaze lifting to meet the taller’s. he blinks once, twice, and looks perhaps a little apologetic. “there’s not much we can see from here.”

“don’t worry.” sehun’s lips curve into a smile. “i know a place.”

 

 

“where are we going?” baekhyun breaks the silence, curious gaze moving from the passing street lamps to sehun himself. it’s a quiet night and the sky is clear, a perfect situation for proper stargazing.

perhaps for once the stars had aligned in sehun’s favour.

sehun’s eyes are set on the road but his mind is set on baekhyun, always on baekhyun, a smile stitched to the corner of his lips. “you will see.” is his only reply.

he can feel baekhyun send him an impatient look and it amuses him for baekhyun clearly is far too nosy to deal with such mysteries and riddles sehun enjoys coming up with, but the taller refuses to break under such commanding gaze.

perhaps he took a liking to teasing his neighbour.

it took baekhyun a few more demanding questions and some playful poking at sehun’s side for them to arrive their destination, the latter content enough that he was free from the doom of baekhyun’s childish fingers – fingers these that, he had to admit, were absolutely beautiful. sculpted to near perfection, the golden hands of a pianist.

“a mountain?” baekhyun questions as he steps out of the car, zipping up his dark jacket as a cold breeze greets his features right away.

“what better place to see the stars?” sehun replies with a question of his own, slender fingers wrapping around baekhyun’s wrist in a gentle hold to pull the boy along.

soft beams of moonlight shine past leaves and trees, illuminating the ground with midnight grace. halos of light gleam on their heads as sehun leads baekhyun deeper in the woods, adventurous yet careful steps taken into nature. baekhyun is awfully clumsy with his feet and sehun realises it by the third time the smaller trips over a salient root, mumbling apologies as sehun takes the matter of handling his neighbour into his own hands, fingers intertwining with baekhyun’s and gentle voice warning him of potential obstacles. they don’t need to tire themselves much until they finally reach sehun’s thought up destination, a perfect spot in between proud trees where they can lie down and talk of fools and kings with no bother but the company of a million dots above.

“thought you’d like this.” sehun can’t help the positive curving of his lips as he watches baekhyun eye the sky above with an endearing sense of adoration, enthusiasm mixed with awe. sehun himself settles for sitting down, welcoming the grass in between his fingers as his gaze remains on the boy whose hair is as dark as the night but who glows as beautifully as the moon. “i come here a lot when i want to think and just.. be away, you see?”

“it’s very pretty.” baekhyun smiles, excited eyes looking from the starry dark canvas to the abstract art of sehun’s irises. “it’s really very pretty.”

“it gets prettier if you watch from here.” a subtle invitation for company as sehun pats the grass next to him, lazy smile plastered on his lips as he watches baekhyun step closer and sit by his side. he leans backwards until the back of his head meets the ground and baekhyun copies him, the two being granted a privilege sight of the universe above.

it’s quiet and comfortable for the following while, a calm silence settling in between them as they both get lost in their own celestial thoughts. sehun enjoys this; the white silence, the soft rustling of leaves as a breeze passes by and the calm breathing of baekhyun by his side. it brings him some sort of inner peace he can’t possibly find under the city pressure, making this his getaway when things feel too suffocating.

he thought someone like baekhyun could make use of it as well.

“it makes me feel small,” baekhyun is the first to speak again, voice as soft as the night breeze. “but at the same time, it makes me feel special.”

sehun hums in response, arms folding as a pillow substitute under his head. “why special?”

“well, because i’m lucky enough to be able to see all these stars.” baekhyun replies as if it was the most obvious thing, little smile growing on his lips as his eyes reflect the constellations above. “it’s normal to give in to despair and forget the little things like sun on our skin or the morning dew or just.. breathing.”

sehun’s gaze is on baekhyun now, watching the words slip from his thin lips in pure serenity. he remains silent, listening.

“i think life is a wonder, a treasure on its own.” he continues, muttering, smiling. “and the universe.. the universe is a reminder of how rare and beautiful it is to even exist.”

for the first time since the day he was born, sehun felt glad these words were permanently inked in the back of his mind.

 

 

being welcomed back in baekhyun’s house feels like a blessing to his mind, a lifting of his heart as he finds himself surrounded in the familiar yet cosy blankness of walls. their place of choice is the living room this time, the room where the piano sehun listened to had been seated all along. upon crossing the corridor, by the corner of his eye, sehun saw the hanging paper planes from the open door of baekhyun’s room.

“do you know how to play?” baekhyun asks as the two sit in front of the dark instrument, ivory keys looking quite nice looking and well-kept despite the amount of times sehun has heard the shorter play.

“i learnt once upon a time.” sehun replies, a digit pressing temptingly on one of the keys. the sound echoes as it gradually fades and sehun finds it pleasing to the ear. “gave up quite shortly after learning how to read a music sheet.”

“right. you didn’t need classes anymore then.” baekhyun smiles, head leaning the slightest forwards as he tries to catch sehun’s gaze. “you seem to have a very good memory.”

the comment earns a tugging at the corner of sehun’s lips out of amusement, soft shrugging of shoulders in reply as he glances towards the shorter for a second before delivering his attention back to the black and white keyboard. “you could say that.”

baekhyun seems excited nevertheless, nudging at sehun’s arm. “play something for me.”

“only if you tell me the notes as i play.”

confusion hints at baekhyun’s features, eyebrows furrowing slightly as he blinks. “i have music sheets you can follow, if you want.”

“no,” sehun smiles, gaze settling back on his neighbour’s face. “i want you to say them outloud.”

baekhyun’s eyebrow raises at him but the smaller laughs it off, turning a bit on his seat as he reaches over to his stacked pile of music sheets and picks a special one, his position granting him that sehun can’t read it. “alright. see if you can play this one.”

sehun’s hands move to lightly hover over the keys, studying them for a second before glancing towards baekhyun and awaiting the start.

baekhyun hardly needs to get past voicing the first four musical notes for sehun to know the melody and how it goes, smile back on his lips as his fingers effortlessly press the keys to the tune of twinkle twinkle little star. he knows the notes are but an endless repetition yet he still allows his fingers to follow the lead of baekhyun’s voice, the simple yet pleasant melody hanging in the air in a way that brings sehun comfort.

they were hardly halfway through the song when baekhyun stopped. sehun did too.

he waits patiently, eyeing as the smaller’s brows create a soft crease on his forehead, a hint of unease in his face. he’s squinting, or at least he looks like it, lips parted for the next note but no sound comes out.

“re.” sehun finishes for him, stretching his neck to look over at the music sheet although he already knew he was right. “it’s a re, baekhyun. it’s above too.”

baekhyun mutters a small ‘ah’ and slowly lowers the paper although his gaze remains on it, unsure, doubting. sehun’s purpose with this request had exactly been with the intention of pushing baekhyun’s limits, see how well the other male does as sehun explores his memory and learns its codification, but whatever hint of malice he had had with such request was now replaced by an unsettling feeling of his own.

there was just something heartbreaking about the way baekhyun’s eyes looked so awfully uneasy, skipping up and down on the music sheet as if trying to confirm over and over again that this note and the one he read earlier were truly the same.

“hey,” sehun called out as softly as he looked, little encouraging smile on his lips as he pulled the paper from baekhyun’s hands and left it to be forgotten on top of the piano. “it’s alright. music notes can be deceiving to the eye.”

“but it’s such a simple sheet.” a sigh escapes past baekhyun’s lips in defeat, confusion still noticeable in the soft frowning of his features. “and it’s a mere repetition, too. i don’t understand why i couldn’t recognise that note.”

“it doesn’t matter, does it?” sehun brushes the subject aside for the sake of baekhyun’s mood, but definitely labels it as food for thought for a later night. “c’mon. play the song with me from the beginning.”

baekhyun seems a little reluctant at first, gaze longing on the music sheet but it all seems to wash away when sehun’s arm wraps around his small waist, the act of being pulled closer earning a smile back on pink lips. sehun decides he likes that look on baekhyun’s face much better than the worrisome of seconds ago.

a shy duet turns into an enthusiastic collab and sehun learns something new about baekhyun that day regarding the fact that the shorter is a bit of an exhibitionist, he notes, although with reason – baekhyun’s slender fingers come in handy to reach keys and he’s soon adding adlibs to the otherwise simple melody, leaving sehun behind in his embarrassing repetitions. not only does baekhyun show off with his skilful hands but he also starts to sing the tune along, his melodic voice making the smile on sehun’s lips stretch wider. for the first time in many years, sehun finds himself softly singing as well.

such short lullaby was bound to come to a quick end but their fun did not for baekhyun was quick to pull sehun into other melodies, melodies such in which he had to sit back and just watch as baekhyun’s fingers gracefully move across the ivory keys. he’s talented, far too talented and sehun finds himself left in awe for the beauty of the music, the beauty of skill and the beauty of baekhyun himself.

he knows the notes will get individually stuck in his mind for perhaps the rest of his life but for once, as he witnesses bright smiling and a personal pair of twinkling eyes on his neighbour, he decides he doesn’t mind.

 

 

 

the first cold stab comes four days later.

it is funny, perhaps ironic, ridiculous even how it happened again; how the only thing sehun ever forgets about is the thing that brought him to baekhyun in the first place.

the question came sharp, pretty lips pursed in worry as the words ‘have we met before?’ hang in the air. they’re enough to pierce sehun’s walls, tracing cracks among his ribcage until it falls in unceremonious shards around him. the ghosts of this graveyard he holds as a heart seem to come greet him like an old friend, wrapping their crooked fingers around sehun’s throat and squeezing, squeezing until he’s left with invisible fingertips marked on pale skin. his chest, vivid red from the sight of this neighbour he’s perhaps grown a tad too affectionate of is now suffering a change of colour, blue becoming the prominent colour until it fades into shadowy black pooling at his feet.

he wants to laugh again but this time the amusement isn’t there anymore, having abandoned him bit by bit in those paper planes he sent.

“i guess this is the part where we shake hands and say ‘nice to meet you’, right?” bitterness tastes like iron on his tongue and sehun is too choked to swallow it down. he takes a step back, a sound akin to a sour laugh escaping past his lips instead. “nevermind. it doesn’t matter.”

he turns and leaves too fast to be able to see the heartbroken expression on baekhyun’s face or the murmured apology lost in the early august night.

 

 

another detail sehun has come to gather is that when baekhyun goes through the process of forgetting him and remembering again, his mind erases that moment as well. it’s like two parallel worlds where one remembers and the other forgets, worlds these that do not collide together.

like an on and off switch.

such fact is this that sehun finds awfully handy for his own benefit, given as when baekhyun greets him with bright smile like they’re old friends, there’s no questioning gaze nor words towards sehun’s behaviour the other day. that had been a weak slip, an act that had sehun swimming in embarrassment from the moment he stepped inside his apartment onwards. it’s not like him – not at all. he was never one to show his emotions, much less let them take control.

a clear sign of attachment, of a growing affection that went beyond the limits of pure curiosity. a hint that sehun should back away now, yet when the dark-haired virtuoso invited sehun over for a walk at the local park, there was no way he could ever refuse.

“so you’ve been like this for as long as you remember?” baekhyun asks curiously as sehun tells him tales and stories of his childhood, more specifically to do with his gifted memory. the day is bright and the trees are still mostly green although there are colour signs here and there that autumn is near; it feels fresh and relaxing enough.

“yes.” sehun replies, bumping a little against baekhyun as he dodges a chattering couple. there are far too many persons whose brain gave them the same idea as baekhyun’s and so the taller takes his neighbour’s hand, pulling him away from the pavement and onto the grass. the park is vast and sehun spots a few persons enjoying a picnic, as well as others playing fetch with their dogs, but the noticeable scattering compared to the main path pleases him. “ever since i can remember, which goes a long way back, i shall say.”

“wow,” baekhyun breathes out, smiling softly as they walk. “that must have been great for school.”

sehun can’t help but laugh, this amusement only baekhyun managed to bring him filling his chest with joy once more. “i can’t deny that.” he smiles. “but it’s awfully tiring, too.”

“is it?”

“mhmm.” sehun hums, glancing up at the blue sky before devolving his attention back to the surrounding nature. “you need to forget in order to properly remember, otherwise your brain just gets.. stuffed with useless information. it makes sense, right?”

baekhyun hums thoughtfully. “it does.”

“indeed.” sehun shrugs softly, watching as a puppy ran after a frisbee that was about the same size as the animal itself. “this gift i have, if you can call it that, it’s brought me a lot of complications. and the older i get, the worse it becomes.” he watches as the pup proudly brings the flying disk back to its owner, half dragging it across the grass. “i’ve read cases of people with the same memory as myself that ended up in psychiatric wards because their mind just became too filled.”

“that sounds awful.” baekhyun mutters in reply and sehun can feel the shorter’s gaze on himself. “do you remember every bad moment from years ago?”

“as vivid as if it were happening right now.” he replies, a hand moving to run through his hair as he tries to ignore the familiar taste of bitterness. “most of the time i wish i could rewind my memories back to the very beginning and then just have them disappear one by one. like some sort of auto destructive videotape.”

“like a videotape, huh?” a smile spreads on baekhyun’s lips, one akin to mischievousness as gentle fingers take a hold of sehun’s hand while his free index raises as if to state a fact. sehun stops to eye him with a raised eyebrow and baekhyun only smiles wider, continuing to walk – not forwards, but slowly starting to lead sehun in a circle, feet moving in a counterclockwise direction. “you’re so old fashioned, sehun.”

baekhyun is having an idea of his own and it’s clear in the excited smile on his lips, one that easily drags sehun along as the taller finds his own feet giving in to the pulling, allowing himself to be moved in a circular motion at a raising pace. “what are you doing?” a smile is already making its way on his lips for baekhyun’s grin is too inviting to be ignored, and the fact that the smaller only laughs in reply has amusement tingling sehun’s skin. “are you rewinding the videotape?”

“i’m rewinding the videotape.” baekhyun confirms, chuckling in between the words as the speed of their spinning increases. they’re holding both hands by now and sehun finds himself too drawn in to the childish amusement for he starts playing along, adding his own force to increase the pace and fasten the spinning.

“well then, you have a lot to rewind, baekhyun.” sehun announces with a small laugh of his own as baekhyun almost trips over his own feet, smile so wide on the shorter’s face that sehun wishes for this to be a memory he could liquefy and keep in a small bottle around his neck for eternity. “keep going, you need to be faster-“

“your legs are too long!” baekhyun laughs, eyes closing in enthusiasm as he is pretty much running by now, holding tightly onto sehun’s hands for he would surely fall if only they let go. he stumbles once more and it only causes him to laugh more, the two of them spinning endlessly as both refuse to give in first.

such fast spinning was bound to a silly ending yet sehun kept it up even as baekhyun started repeating how dizzy he was in between laughs, the moment only coming to an end when both bodies collided with the ground.

the harsh fall didn’t seem to bother them much though and if anything they only laughed more, two adults lost in a slip of endearing childish behaviour. as they sit back up, sehun predicting an elbow bruise and baekhyun rubbing the back of his head, the two merely forget their public surroundings and exchange blissful smiles.

“i’ve never heard you laugh so much before,” baekhyun comments albeit a bit breathlessly so, weak chuckle still slipping past his lips as his gaze is fixed on sehun. “or smile so much, for that matter.”

sehun laughs, his own eyes finding the fresh grass quite interesting now as the bubbly warm smile still reigns in his chest. he was sure, if only he wanted to make the effort, that he’d have to dig up ancient memories to recall the last time he laughed this much.

“this was silly. and highly embarrassing.” sehun says, words missing their real bite as the smile is still quite obviously comfortable on his lips. “yet terrifically amusing.”

said words seem to spark a sense of pride in baekhyun in the way the shorter beams at him, standing back up right away in such way that reminded sehun of the eager puppy and its frisbee. “always glad to provide fun public shame.”

as his fingers and baekhyun’s intertwined for the rest of their walk, sehun felt that for once everything was right in his world.

 

 

“baekhyun has been forgetting more frequently lately.” is the first thing sehun announces after seating in front of kyungsoo, taking advantage of the very early hour in the morning once again to catch the waiter before baekhyun would arrive. “but not me. he doesn’t forget me as often, but he forgets things like words and what he planned on doing for the day.”

kyungsoo hums softly as he listens, quickly looking over his shoulder to ask the other worker to take in their first customer’s order before returning his attention to sehun. “he sees you so often his brain is probably growing used to you as a whole.” he replies, voice purposely soft as so to prevent eavesdropping. kyungsoo is amazingly careful with baekhyun, sehun has noticed. “but.. i suppose there’s really no helping the rest.”

“tell me more about his condition.” sehun asks, and for once, he’s sincere. for once, he doesn’t want the information for the mere satisfaction of curiosity. for once, he wants to know it because he’s realised he cares. “how does it go?”

kyungsoo still seems rather apprehensive of sharing such information with sehun, softly tapping his fingers on the counter. it goes without saying that sehun and baekhyun truthfully are becoming close, a fact not even kyungsoo can ignore, and a fact that perhaps really does influence sehun’s worth in being or not being told about what he’s dealing with. “it’s a degenerative disease.” kyungsoo mutters, the words quick as if not wanting to acknowledge them. “it can’t be helped. his memory will get progressively worse until he merely loses the capacity to remember.”

sehun listens in absolute silence, allowing his brain to digest the words that would soon become imprinted in angry dark ink in the back of his mind. seconds tick away and sehun clears his throat. “there’s no cure?”

as expected, kyungsoo shakes his head.

the day is bright and the baking scent is sweet but the atmosphere feels heavy between the two like an invisible weight and sehun feels as if he’s underwater. he isn’t surprised; it had been easy to guess all along, yet the confirmation doesn’t feel any lighter. it would be almost funny how ironic and opposite their cases were if only they weren’t so unsettling – both sides of it.

the soft radio music playing background feels like static dullness to sehun, blurring in with his swirling thoughts. “has he ever forgotten you?”

“no, not yet.” kyungsoo replies, a sigh lost in their absent minds. “but he will soon.”

 

 

sehun counts two lovely moles on baekhyun’s face, two more on his neck and one on his thumb. he counts and memorises the creases of his hands as he traces his calloused fingers along them, half-lidded gaze set on baekhyun’s closed eyes as they rest on the softness of the latter’s bed.

somehow sehun ended up following baekhyun’s steps into his apartment rather than his own, the two claiming the comfortable mattress as their throne after a long walk like two victorious knights. the sun was setting and it gave baekhyun’s room this soft hue of peach, one that fit the shorter’s features very well as he was bathed in the sun’s last rays of the day. he’s entertained like this, listening to his breathing, tracing the lines of his hands so that he could identify them in a blink of eye were he forced to search in between a million.

“sehun,” baekhyun’s voice is soft, surprisingly soft compared to his usual loud one and it’s a clear sign of tiredness, a hint of sleepiness mixed in between. “are you really unable to forget?”

sehun slowly moves to lie on his back, fingers still lightly holding onto baekhyun’s as his gaze now settles on the many paper planes hanging just above his head. like he had thought, the noticeable tape attaching the strings to the ceiling wasn’t the most brilliant job, but it was just like baekhyun and sehun couldn’t imagine it looking any other way. “yes.”

“how bad is it?”

the taller hums, giving a good question its well-deserved thought for a worthy reply. “imagine being unable to access a concept as simple as the idea of a dog because your mind gets flooded with the particular characteristics of a hundred dogs you’ve seen in your life.” he says, dragged words as he watches the paper planes slowly and softly rotate thanks to the gentle breeze coming from the open window. “in the end, you don’t know what a dog is. you know what a million dogs are, but the word alone is incomprehensible when it means so many different things at the same time.”

baekhyun makes a little noise which sehun assumes is a hum to reassure he is listening, feeling his fingers give a small squeeze to his own hand.

“this time in high school,” sehun starts once more, deciding to share another experience for baekhyun deserves to know about him in return of all this time spent together. “we went get ice cream. when i asked what flavours they had, the lady replied ‘fruits flavour’. i got such a murderous headache i almost had to run away.”

“because you remembered every fruit you know, all at the same time.” baekhyun concludes slowly, eyes lazily opening spare sehun a glance.

“exactly.” the confirmation comes, a sad curling of a smile making his lips its home. “a sudden influx of memories caused me awful headaches. i used to be a very angry kid.” he confesses, fingers intertwining better with baekhyun’s. “everyday socialisation was absolutely overwhelming and my brother’s death added to my aggressive nature. i guess there was never much hope for me in my younger days.”

there’s the soft reassuring squeeze of baekhyun’s hand, gentle and caring and a reminder he was there for maybe, maybe this was what sehun had been needing all along. “but i guess,” baekhyun murmurs softly, eyelids fallen closed once more as his body moves closer to the taller’s. “i guess space and time takes violent things and makes them kind.”

up to that date, sehun can’t recall anyone’s words ever holding so much meaning to him as baekhyun’s did.


	3. part two: fulvus

“i want to see the lights,” baekhyun announces one morning over a cup of coffee and a freshly baked pastry, successfully drawing sehun’s and kyungsoo’s attention in. “the- the floating lights, like in tangled.”

sehun blinks, his knowledge on disney movies honestly badly outdated by now because he can’t find the time – nor honest interest - to watch any of them, eyeing baekhyun’s eager smile with a confused gaze. “the floating lights?”

“he means lanterns.” kyungsoo reminds, sending baekhyun a slightly worried gaze as the boy quickly mutters a ‘yes that’, before looking towards the tallest. “there’s going to be some lantern festival soon. it will be by the han river, so i suppose you can compare it to the movie.”

“you can rent a boat to view it better and everything. and you can write a wish on the lantern before sending it off.” baekhyun informs, a hand moving to rescue a folded and wrinkled flyer from his pants pocket before handing it to sehun. “it’s going to be very pretty.”

sehun takes the flyer in his hands, attempting to smooth it out a little with the heel of his palm against the counter before reading through the words. the date was set for late september. “it’s only in two weeks.”

“which is why i’m warning you both now, so you can’t make plans and leave me hanging.” baekhyun says proudly, gaze jumping from one to another in hopeful glee. “c’mon, we’ve never hung out together, the three of us- this would be a great opportunity.”

“i guess.” kyungsoo mumbles, looking a tad unsure although it was obvious he hardly had it in himself to resist baekhyun’s offer. sehun had to sympathise with him on that. “but i’m not going on the boat. i like my feet on land, thank you very much.”

“you’re boring.” baekhyun accuses through a chuckle, more laughter escaping past his lips almost nervously so at the burning glare the coffeeshop employee sends him, before tugging at sehun’s sleeve. “sehun will go with me on a boat. won’t you?”

as an idea sparks in the taller’s mind and baekhyun smiles at him in such an endearing way, sehun finds it physically impossible to even attempt any sort of denial; instead, a smile curves on his lips.

“of course.”

 

 

“so this is your place.” a smile is plastered on baekhyun’s face while sehun watches him explore his house at his own wish, opening doors and peeking in rooms just like that. such behaviour hardly surprises sehun and if anything it’s rather amusing for the shorter’s nosy personality was at its peak, common sense and politeness forgotten as if they had been childhood friends all along. “glad to finally be let in your natural habitat after you’ve intruded yourself in mine so often.”

“always by your personal invitation.” sehun reminds with a soft turning of his own lips, leaning against the doorframe as he eyes the boy touch the papers he’d use for crafting planes  
.  
baekhyun smiles in return, tongue childishly poking out at sehun before his attention is caught by the bedroom the window, the same one that provided sehun so many sleepless nights. “you can see the paper planes from here.” he comments on the fact sehun already knew, thin fingers moving the curtains aside for a better view. “and i left my window open.”

“as per usual.” sehun adds in with a soft chuckle, lazy steps taking him to sit by his bed. “i hope you get rid of that habit now that summer is leaving.”

“but if i do, i won’t wake up to your paper planes anymore.”

“don’t you think you have enough already?”

“there can never be enough.”

sehun purses his lips. baekhyun smiles in victory.

“what are those?” baekhyun questions then, slender finger pointing towards the half-empty bottles of pills on sehun’s nightstand.

“sleeping pills, energy pills, lots of crap for the system.” sehun replies nonchalantly, heels of his palm pressing on the mattress to push himself onto it until his back would rest against the headboard. “the perks of being a mnemonist is that you have a lot to keep you awake at night.”

“must be awful.” baekhyun mutters, brows furrowing slightly behind his overgrown fringe as he picks one of the bottles up, eyeing the content. sehun’s grown a habit of pouring all of the pills into small bottles; his brain claims it’s far easier than always having to pop one out of the package each time.

“it is.” he doesn’t even try to lie, finding no need in prettying up the hell he inherited as a daily life. “those are the sleeping pills. i have to be extra careful with those.”

baekhyun purses his lips. “they could kill you?”

“indeed. an extreme overdose wouldn’t be difficult with those.” sehun shrugs, small lips curving into the softest of smiles. “but a little someone has taught me the courage of stars is far greater to behold than such dreadful ideas.”

baekhyun’s gaze lingers on the pills, bottle turning slowly in his hand before he meets sehun’s eyes, a knowing small smile extending on his lips as well. there’s a sense of pride in his gaze and sehun thinks it’s well deserved.

“and who’s this?” baekhyun’s attention is then caught by a framed photograph, forgotten and semi-hidden behind the lamp on sehun’s nightstand. careful hands reach to take a hold of it after the bottle is put back in place and sehun lets him do it, observing curiosity become prominent in the shorter’s features all over again.

“that’s me and my brother.”

“you?” a faint chuckle escapes past baekhyun’s lips, soft smile of interest in them. “you’ve changed so much. you don’t look like yourself at all.”

“lots of hair dye and one growth spurt later, i suppose i did change considerably.” sehun emits a soft chuckle of his own, more similar to a huff of breath than anything else. “i was ten in that photo. my brother was fourteen. that was weeks before he died.”

baekhyun’s smile falters but his gaze remains on the old photograph, finger tips lightly touching the glass. slowly he crawls onto the bed to sit next to the taller, legs folding as small teeth bite on his lower lip. “you never told me what happened to him.”

the question is one that spills heavy coal on sehun, crafting unease in his chest. he despises how the mere thought of something buried so deep in the past still manages to corrode his sternum, the taste of burnt gasoline running down his throat. but he doesn’t falter underneath the heavy memories for there’s no use chasing shadows of the past when a brighter future is within an arm’s reach; sehun decides that if he truthfully wants to free himself from such ghosts, he might as well confess his secrets to someone who’s managed to plant flowers in his decaying veins.

“our family had a summer cottage in the countryside. it was near a small forest and the whole place was beautiful. me and jongin would often leave to explore the forest after lunch and only return by supper time.” he recalls. his lips curve into a smile that tastes of synthetic plastic. “there was this water well not very deep into the woods that had been dry for years and was quite deep too. we used to engage in childish plays regarding that well, such as pretending it was some secret base, or magic, or anything fitting to a child’s imagination.” he pauses, recollecting his thoughts. baekhyun waits. “let’s just say this one time jongin fell right into the well. it was immediate death.”

a heavy silence sets in between the two, causing the atmosphere to become rather suffocating. baekhyun shifts by his side in obvious unease, a soft pursing of lips occurring before expected words slip past them. “i’m sorry.”

sehun never minds the sincere apology for there is no use in pitying the past, gaze remaining on his bony knees. “my brother had always been my parents’ favourite. he was brave and confident and everything i wasn’t.” his fingers grip the rough fabric of his jeans, lips pressing in a tight white line. “my father was livid when he died. he kept shouting at me ‘it should have been you, it should have been you’. my mother became incredibly skilled at ignoring the bruises on my body. i guess i did, too.”

baekhyun is awfully quiet and sehun almost wants to laugh at himself from throwing such dreadful information in the air, the forming knot in his throat making it hard to breathe. for a moment he even feels like baekhyun won’t say anything at all, shame mixed with regret starting to fill his ribcage until the unfamiliar but warm touch of baekhyun’s fingertips came traveling up his cheekbones. he finally meets baekhyun’s gaze when the latter cups his face, thumbs caressing the skin and the most profound look in his eyes.

“sehun,” he whispers, voice soft, just as soft as his touch. he cracks a small smile, wavering, perhaps hurting, but honest. “it’s not your fault. you know that, right?”

“i-“ sehun stutters, words stuck in that painful knot blocking his throat. baekhyun leans his, hands moving past his cheeks as his arms wrap around the taller’s neck and soon the warmth of baekhyun’s body is pressed against his chest in a heartfelt hug. it left him rather tense, rather awkward not out of embarrassment but out of surprise for sehun could most definitely count by his fingers the amount of times he’s been hugged ever since his brother passed away.

“sometimes,” baekhyun whispers, gentle voice near sehun’s ear and it sends the softest of shivers down his back. “sometimes we are put in wars we were never meant to fight. we aren’t soldiers, sehun. there was nothing we could do.”

sehun feels himself sinking, chin pressing against baekhyun’s collarbone, nose buried in his shoulder. his breathing stutters and baekhyun squeezes him in his arms.

(he feels safe and it’s overwhelming.)

“but we are survivors and that’s what matters. we made it through and that’s what matters.” baekhyun’s voice is soothing as his finger run through sehun’s silver hair, gently, affectionately. “and so we accept our battle scars and move onwards with pride because that’s what survivors do.”

as salty liquid greets his cheeks and his nose meets the curve of baekhyun’s neck, arms securing the shorter in hopes of melting into his warmth, sehun decides there’s nowhere else he’d rather be.

for baekhyun is the home he never had.

 

 

the festival came around the corner and proved itself to be quite lively, streets flooded with couples and families enjoying a nice night out together. summer warmth was gone and jackets were necessary by now but such fact didn’t seem to stop anyone for sehun had to keep an arm wrapped around baekhyun’s waist the whole time to make sure he wouldn’t lose the shorter to the sea of heads. aligned with the streets were many food stands of every sort and baekhyun made sure the three of them would taste enough of everything despite kyungsoo’s complaints over money and savings.

sehun was never one for festivals, parties or any sort of social gathering where crowds were inescapable. unnecessary chattering was frankly dispensable for him although it came unavoidable and uninvited for most part, forcing itself in his brain with sights and words he didn’t care for. this time though things went differently as sehun’s focus remained on baekhyun for the duration of the entire night, ears drunk in his voice and eyes lost in the way his hair seemed to shine brighter than anyone else’s under the warm artificial light.

sehun had no other explanation for such phenomenon apart from the fact that baekhyun was a blessing.

baekhyun grew specially impatient as the hour for the releasing of lanterns started peeking around the corner, hurrying them to buy their own and urging sehun towards the boat for a privileged place in the river. although he still insisted on kyungsoo to tag along he earned nothing but a polite rejection, the waiter standing firm on his decision to avoid the potential chance of becoming a third-wheel in the middle of a river.

the task of rowing had been unceremoniously given to sehun by baekhyun himself, something the taller accepted without complaint as he had no other choice but to admit that saying no to baekhyun had grown to be a difficulty. when distance grows between them and the street lamps sehun feels as if darkness is engulfing them, the river dark as coal and the night sky starless above. it is not until he’s almost reached the middle of the river that sehun notices, far in the distance, a twinkling light.

“it’s starting.” he quietly announces, lips curving upwards upon the sight of baekhyun’s head immediately turning to witness the lighting of the lanterns. one by one the spots increase until it’s impossible to keep count of them, slowly being released to majestically float away into the atmosphere. as the first batch goes the rest is quick to follow up and sehun can still faintly hear the gasps of admiration and beauty coming from the streets.

the sky might be deprived of stars but it definitely isn’t spotless by now, a hundred lights shining right above them like flashing constellations as the lanterns rise. the orange-y reflections they produce on the water are just as equally beautiful but sehun’s awe is caught by baekhyun and the way the peach lights enhance his features thus making him, in sehun’s fairest opinion, the most beautiful sight of the night.

“baekhyun.” he calls, lips stretching into a smile as said boy finally returns him his attention. sehun is holding the two lanterns they bought earlier, awaiting their own turn to claim their spot in the skies.

baekhyun smiles widely, turning in his seat so he’s facing sehun once more. by now, no matter where they turn, sky lanterns surround them in warm colours and magical floating. “don’t forget your wish.” the shorter reminds, smile remaining as he reaches to take hold of one of the lanterns after uncapping the dark marker he brought with himself just for that occasion, tongue poking out in concentration as he writes on the fabric.

sehun watches him as he scribbles, lips stretching further into a calm smile once baekhyun leans back, positively pleased with himself. “what did you write?”

“to remember.” is baekhyun’s reply, turning the lantern in his hands so sehun can read the words. he smiles a bit shyly, perhaps a bit sadly as he shrugs. “i don’t want to forget. neither this moment nor any i’ve had with you.”

“you won’t.” sehun’s reassuring comes a tad too fast, an attempt at convincing perhaps not only baekhyun but himself as well. “as long as i’m with you, you won’t forget.”

baekhyun’s smile brightens and that’s the only thing sehun needs to witness for everything to feel right, leaning closer so the two could, at the same time, release their sky lanterns for them to join the flashing sky dances. they watch as they rise, slowly but steadily, until they meet the other twinkling lights and sehun thinks it could easily work as a metaphor for his and baekhyun’s relation. slow but steady, claiming their own thrones in each other’s ribcages.

“you didn’t tell me your wish.” baekhyun’s voice pulls at his attention and sehun looks from the sea of lanterns to the shorter’s eyes, taking notice of the truthful smile on his lips.

“i’ll tell you.” sehun reassures, a smile of his own making his lips its home as he motions for baekhyun to lean in. “come closer,” he requests, own body leaning forwards, lips in search of baekhyun’s ear as if the juiciest of secrets was ready to spill from them.

when baekhyun is close enough sehun gently turns his head, brushing over the skin of his cheek until their lips meet in the softest of kisses.

that was the night, cloaked by a million floating lights and the ridiculous beating of his heart, warmth spilling from baekhyun’s mouth and right into his mind, that sehun knew the shorter had been victorious in this conquer of his core.

that was the night, smiling against thin lips and tracing the soft skin of his neighbour’s nape, that sehun willingly signed his misery sentence.

 

 

“you seem tense.”

words hang ignored in the air as sehun lazily blinks, observing kyungsoo clean the same glass for the fourth time that day. it’s early october yet kyungsoo looks like a february morning, cold and distant and astray in his own thoughts. it’s become a habit of sehun’s to show up at the coffeeshop before baekhyun did, although not anymore to gather information, but rather to check on kyungsoo’s side with the disease.

when sehun realised he cared at all, he realised he’s been caring for a long time now.

“hm?” kyungsoo raises his gaze from the cup, allowing sehun to take notice of the prominent circles under his eyes denouncing a badly slept night.

“i said you seem tense.” sehun repeats, leaning an elbow on the counter and resting his head on his hand. “did anything happen?”

there’s another brief pause in which sehun patiently awaits, gaze focused on the shorter while the latter recollects his thoughts. he takes the opportunity to immerse the teaspoon in his steamy coffee, stirring the seconds away in turns and gentle flicks of wrist.

kyungsoo swallows dryly and sehun watches his adam apple bob and stop. “baekhyun forgot me.”

suddenly the distant february cold hits sehun as well. the feeling is there all over again; the invisible hands squeezing at his throat, the sour anxiety bubbling in his ribs. he can’t find his voice for the first few seconds and instead he copies kyungsoo; he swallows bitterness and his voice cracks. “when?”

“yesterday night.” kyungsoo doesn’t meet his eye despite sehun’s incessant staring, plump lips pressed together in unease. “he invited me in and went make some tea. but when he came back, he didn’t recognise me anymore.”

sehun registers the words, quiet and still in thought. he wants to think of an excuse, a pretty little excuse to cover that up and pretend it’s not as serious, not as alarming as it truly is. “maybe he was tired. it gets worse after the sun sets, i’ve noticed, and he had a long day-“

“no, you don’t understand.” kyungsoo interrupts, syllables cutting sehun’s words and leaving them in vain. “he didn’t just casually forget me, tell of his disease and apologise. he freaked out.” he speaks slowly, as if letting the sentences sink in between themselves. “he pretty much panicked, wouldn’t let me speak. and when i tried to remind him of his condition, he fiercely denied it.”

sehun weighs the words in his mind, the change of behaviour and the clear sign of deteriorating. he knew the day would come; he had been warned, had been expecting it.

(doesn’t mean he had accepted it.)

“sehun, he’s getting worse.” kyungsoo continues as if reading sehun’s thoughts aloud, worried doe eyes finally finding his own to gaze into. there’s a sense of trust in them, of confidence thrown in sehun’s shoulders. “he’s going to need you more, but it will only go downhill from here. if you want to save yourself, you have to do it now.”

there the options laid: to back away, indeed save himself from bad moments and worse memories, leave before he’s forced to watch the inglorious downfall of the person he’s grown so fond of; or to stay, endure the hard time, hold baekhyun as he progressively loses himself tumbling down this staircase that has no end.

he wants to laugh; it’s ridiculous how obvious his choice would have been some mere two months ago, how he’d easily turn his back for there were no strings attaching him to baekhyun as there are now.

even more ridiculous is how opposite his choice is at the moment, obvious just the same yet indicative of his own fall.

“i’m staying.”

and not another word was spoken on the matter.

 

 

the rain sounds like a static old radio to sehun as it falls on his umbrella like the loud buzzing of a badly recorded song, a rhythmic reminder to hurry his pace. it’s not pouring, but it’s enough to wet his shoulder where the umbrella doesn’t cover as well.

his legs are soon taking him down the familiar street of his neighbourhood, now stripped of people thanks to the incessant raining. it’s getting late and sehun wonders if he should treat himself with hot cocoa to warm up, having grown fond (although refusing to admit it) of the drink thanks to time spent with baekhyun and his undying love for sweets and the likes. the rain doesn’t seem to end and sehun now wonders of baekhyun’s whereabouts, if he’s warm at home and if he has remembered to close his bedroom window.

the answer to his wondering comes in an abrupt seizing of his walking, eyes gone wide in shock at the sight of his neighbour sitting on one of the street benches.

soaked to the bone, baekhyun is visibly shivering even from afar, damp dark hair sticking to his head and clothes clinging onto his body. he looks very much like an abandoned pet facing the cold wet streets for the first time, clueless where to go with his chin pressed to his chest and house keys clenched in his fists.

sehun is quite sure his feet have never taken him towards someone as fast as they did that evening, worry overflowing from his chest and pooling at the pits of his stomach as he called out for the shorter. baekhyun’s gaze is just as wide when his head shots up, confusion and slight fright slowly morphing into recognition in his gaze. “—s-sehun?”

“yes, it’s me-” sehun reassures in a rushed whisper, crouching in front of his neighbour for a better sight of his face as he tilts the umbrella to shield baekhyun from the merciless rain. his free hand immediately moves to touch the smaller’s cheek, skin cold as the night, and it only shoots electrifying worry up his veins. “what are you doing? baekhyun, it’s raining so much-“

“i-“ baekhyun’s teeth are chattering in ways that make sehun extremely uneasy, the latter’s hand moving to push baekhyun’s damp fringe from the front of his eyes. “i’m sorry- i’m so sorry, i don’t—i don’t know what to do—“

anxiety drenches baekhyun’s features the same way rain covers his body and sehun hushes him as gently as his own nervous self manages to, thumb clumsily caressing the skin of baekhyun’s cheekbone. “it’s okay, don’t apologise. just calm down, i’m here now.” he coos and the words taste strongly familiar in his tongue; images of a reassuring jongin flash in his mind but sehun is quick to push them aside for this is a situation where he can afford no distractions. “why aren’t you home?”

baekhyun’s lips part for a reply that doesn’t come and sehun fears the anxiety might break him into sobs, watching as the smaller’s fear filled eyes quickly gaze across the buildings behind sehun before meeting the latter’s again. in those seconds of pause that dragged themselves too long, sehun can’t recall ever seeing someone look so painfully apologetic as baekhyun whispers in defeat, “i can’t remember where i live.”

sehun is sure the sound of his dropping heart echoes louder than the pouring rain.

 

 

it’s quiet apart from the sound of falling droplets as sehun gently runs the soaped sponge across baekhyun’s skin, the latter’s bare body seated in the bathtub filled with hot water. baekhyun’s knees are pulled up to his chest and the liquid warmth surrounding him doesn’t seem quite enough to relax him, muscles tense under sehun’s touch and his gaze distant, far too distant. he’s clearly unsettled from what happened and sehun can’t blame him because he, too, can sympathise with the occurring. although in clearly different situations, he, too, can say he comprehends the sensation of looking at home and seeing a foreign place.

it didn’t for once cross his mind that the identic appearance of the neighbourhood buildings would come to be a problem and if once sehun wanted to learn about baekhyun’s condition, he surely doesn’t anymore.

sehun’s back is screaming from kneeling next to the bathtub for so long yet sehun ignores it completely, rolled up sleeves preventing his shirt from getting wet as he dips his hands in the water and washes the soap away from baekhyun’s nape. the skin is slowly warming under sehun’s touch and it’s perhaps the only thing that can possibly bring him relief at the moment, fingertips tracing the curve of baekhyun’s neck, body leaning for lips to press a butterfly kiss on his shoulder.

baekhyun sniffles and it ruptures sehun’s thoughts, leaning backwards to eye the shorter’s sunken features. he had been so astray in his own mind, so concentrated in warming baekhyun’s body in hopes of washing this episode away that he failed to notice what baekhyun had been so intensely gazing at for a while now.

elbow resting on the border of the bathtub, forearm extended ahead, baekhyun’s eyes are set on his trembling fingers. not his arm; only his fingers.

looking smaller than ever, baekhyun’s expression is rather unreadable at the moment yet there is a hint of concentration in his gaze, a hint that tells sehun he is attempting and failing to stop the tremor.

slowly so sehun lets go of the sponge and brings his own hands to gently cup baekhyun’s trembling one, the shakiness coming to a stop once squeezed between his palms. concern attaches to his ribs and for the first time during that bath, their gazes meet.

they engage in a silence of mutual unease and slight fright, seconds ticked away by the sound of the single drops falling rhythmically from the faucet. when baekhyun’s lips part, his voice cracks and only a whisper comes out. “what’s happening to me..?”

sehun wishes he had an answer.

but he doesn’t.

 

 

morning light shines weakly against sehun’s back, attenuated by the approaching winter. he blows away the smoke swirls from his just made coffee, free hand gripping the kitchen counter he’s leaning against, gaze set on the blank wall ahead. he finds himself lost in morning daydream, imagination flowing as he visualises a drawn paper plan fly across the wall, spinning and pretty and free, before giving a final pirouette and turning into ashes.

daydreaming ceases when baekhyun’s sniffle pierces through his mind, gaze finding the seating boy. the rain episode left a heavy atmosphere on them and although three days had passed, baekhyun’s constant sniffling as a result of a cold works as a persistent reminder that he isn’t safe on his own anymore.

thus the reason why sehun finds himself spending more time at baekhyun’s house rather than his own, house this that is quickly earning the taste of home sehun never felt in the building next door.

baekhyun is hunched over the plastic kitchen table, ink pen in his right hand and a look of frustration in his eyes. he’s been writing and scribbling for the past fifteen minutes now, sometimes making a little noise of annoyance coming from the back of his throat.

sehun sips his coffee slowly, welcoming the bitter taste after so many sweets in his neighbour’s company, before seizing the silence. “what are you writing?”

“notes.” baekhyun replies, angrily crossing over a word before attempting to write again. “to remember.”

sehun hums softly, eyeing how baekhyun was visibly gripping the pen with extra strength and he wondered if his hand tremors could be behind such frustration. he can pinpoint the day those tremors started yet he can’t find a reason behind the occurrence, fact that gave sehun his own share of vexation as well.

he’s just drifted his gaze elsewhere when baekhyun’s voice pulls at his focus again.

“what’s that word you call yourself?”

“mnemonist.”

baekhyun visibly frowns, thin lips pressing together in a white line as his gaze remains fixed on the paper. “how do you spell that?”

sehun blinks, licking over his lower lip before spelling out. “m-n-e-m-o-n-i-s-t.”

baekhyun is back to scribbling and sehun watches him carefully, taking small sips of his coffee. hardly a few seconds in and baekhyun looks bothered again, annoyance clear in his expression as well as a sentiment sehun identifies as something akin to embarrassment. “how do you.. how do you write an i?”

concern pinches sehun. “baekhyun—“

“i can’t remember.” baekhyun gives up, pen dropping on the table as he leans back and runs a hasty hand through his hair. “i can’t remember words, i can’t remember letters, i can hardly even remember how to hold a pen—“

“hey,” sehun hushed, coffee mug forgotten on the counter as he takes quick steps towards the sitting male, knees bending so he could crouch down for a better view of baekhyun’s face. “don’t take it too hard on yourself. it gets worse if you stress over it.”

“it’s difficult not to feel stressed when your writing abilities are reduced to that of a second-grader.” baekhyun bitterly replies, a high avoidance of eye contact radiating from his part as he stubbornly kept his gaze fixed on the table legs. “it’s ridiculous.”

“it’s not. you’re not ridiculous.”

“i wish i was like you.”

unexpected words that hit sehun like a sudden blast of winter air. his mouth opens and closes, brows furrowing slightly as he blinks the confusion away. “..no. no you don’t.”

“yes, yes i do.” baekhyun protests, looking down at sehun with an irritated expression. “you remember everything and you never forget, meanwhile i’m here struggling with basic stuff and it will only get worse-“

“remembering everything isn’t a good thing, baekhyun.” sehun tries to reason, slowly standing back up. never had he expected to hear such statement; not when it felt like such an unbearable curse sitting on his shoulders since birth. “you don’t know what it’s like.”

“well, neither do you!” baekhyun raises his voice and it catches sehun off guard, annoyance clear in the shorter in ways he had never seen before. baekhyun is sending him an accusing glare and it cuts a little too deep in his chest. “you never forget anything, you never forget anyone- you don’t know what it’s like to see the hurt in your friend’s eyes when you look at them and you see a stranger.”

“you think that’s bad?” sehun’s own voice raises, hurt speaking louder than reason. “try remembering the way your brother’s dead body looked like as if you were still looking at it right now. try remembering the exact words your father yelled at you when he wished you had been the one falling down that well. try remembering how you looked like three days ago, soaked and shaking and scared when you didn’t know which house was your home.” something falters in baekhyun’s expression and eye contact is again lost, but sehun’s gaze remains fixed on the shorter. his lips press together in a tight thin line, exhaling slowly. “do you even remember that, baekhyun? i do. i remember the exact amount of times you sniffled and sneezed that day, i remember how badly you were shaking and how worried i was you’d get really sick. i remember the first day you forgot me and i remember all sorts of ‘do i know you?’ variations you’ve thrown at me ever since. i remember the amount of times you’ve looked at me and saw no one of importance when we had spent the previous day in each other’s arms. do you remember any of this, baekhyun? you don’t. but if you were given the option, would you like to remember?”

baekhyun falls into silence, unmoving and quiet and staring at the clean floor, hands tightly clutched in his lap. sehun sighs. “you know, sometimes remembering too much can be as damaging as having no memory at all.”

baekhyun remains quiet and sehun fears he’s being given some sort of silence treatment, leaning back against the kitchen counter as he watches the shorter. baekhyun’s mouth opens and closes twice but no sound comes out. at the third time, only a choked word slips from his lips. “jerk.”

“oh, yes.” a bitter laugh escapes past sehun, hand moving to run through his hair in disbelief as he glances elsewhere. “now i’m a jerk. very mature.”

before he can think of anything else to lighten the situation, the loud dragging of a chair echoes through the kitchen walls as baekhyun stands up and hurries out.

the door of a shutting door indicates the end of their argument.

 

 

the rest of his coffee that morning tasted like guilt as he swallowed it in thick gulps, weighing in his stomach like heavy copper. he wishes a heavy sigh could free him of such bothersome feeling, but he knows it will take more than that. baekhyun has been quiet, far too quiet ever since he shut the living room door and sehun has known better than to go knock on the wood so soon. the merciless guilt nestling in his stomach reminds him of younger days, of how he had slowly but surely learnt that the harsh way is hardly ever the right way to go.

sehun has long managed to control his temper yet it slips in relapses at times, and although he knew and was thankful this small argument had nothing to compare to the anger fits of his youth, he knew it had been hurtful nevertheless. it’s true they have no official relation going on, but the pecks and embraces shared over the course of the past month speak louder than labelling.

which is why he found himself hurrying towards the nearest convenience store, a childish idea brightening his mind and curving a visible smile on his lips in hopes it would amuse baekhyun, if anything. soon he is bringing a plastic bag sporting three sets of glow-in-the-dark stars back to baekhyun’s house, the copy of his neighbour’s keys coming in handy both for surprise purposes and also because a little something told him baekhyun most likely wouldn’t open him the door if he rang.

the living room door is still shut and sehun is quite sure baekhyun has merely fallen asleep by now, but that is not his destination as instead his feet take him towards the wonders of baekhyun’s bedroom. a sea of dangling paper planes engulfs him immediately, a warm familiarity irradiating from them as some hang a little too low and bump against sehun’s forehead as he walks. setting the bag on top of the mattress, he spends the following half an hour entertaining himself in decorating the blank walls with sticky stars of variable sizes, filling in the spaces in between the hanging paper planes with an eager smile plastered on his lips. it was silly, he was aware; but silly defines baekhyun in the greatest sense of the word, and sehun is sure, if only he knows his unofficial lover well enough, that baekhyun will enjoy the surprise.

soon he is standing by the doorway, pride churning in his chest as he eyes the work. the sun is only now starting to set and so the stars don’t glow just yet, but sehun thinks it looks fine even if just this way. he thinks it looks just like baekhyun’s room.

softer steps take him towards the living room, fingers gently twisting the doorknob open after a soft knock to the wood. baekhyun was, indeed, asleep; curled up on the small couch near the piano, pillow under his arm, lower lip jutted out in protest even during his sleep. a foolish smile makes sehun’s lips its home as he finds the sight terrifically endearing, pulling at his heartstrings in all of the twisty ways he never thought he’d come to feel. he takes his time walking towards baekhyun, maybe because he wants to take in the sight a little longer before interrupting whatever dream the smaller might be having.

he crouches down near baekhyun’s face, bony fingers moving to affectionately runs through the dark strands of his neighbour’s hair contrasting so strongly with his pale face. baekhyun’s skin tone doesn’t look as sickly anymore and sehun is glad to observe peach colour adorning his cheeks, easing his worries and lifting the burning weight from his shoulders at least slightly so.

he leans in, cold lips pressing to warm cheek. baekhyun’s lashes flutter and his nose scrunches up a little, causing sehun’s curl of a smile to stretch further. he allows his lips to trail towards the shorter’s ear ever so softly touching the skin, before nuzzling at his hair. “hey,” a faint whisper comes, and he smiles when he feels baekhyun twitch beneath him. “sleepyhead. wake up.”

baekhyun stirs, eyelids slowly fluttering open. he does that little nose scrunching action sehun finds absolutely endearing again, brows furrowing together to blink off the sunlight and sleepiness. sehun merely awaits, observing, and when baekhyun’s gaze focuses on him, he smiles. “hi.”

baekhyun slowly sits back up, thin lips pursing in thought. for a moment, sehun hopes their small argument has slipped through baekhyun’s mind; but sadly not only was his disease highly inconvenient, it also seemed to be rather selective of what baekhyun forgot for sehun was sure the bad moments stick to him better than the good ones. he blames it all on the lack of luck he’s carried since birth.

“hi.” the reply finally comes, baekhyun’s eyes averting to the carpeted floor beneath their feet. there’s an unspoken apology ready to spill from his lips yet something is holding it back – perhaps pride, perhaps shame -, but sehun finds no need in bringing up their fight when they can forget about it and move on to brighter moments.

“i have a surprise for you.” sehun announces, smile slowly spreading back on his lips as baekhyun’s attention is successfully caught, head raising in curiosity. “i’m sure you’ll love it.”

“a surprise..?” the question falls slowly from baekhyun’s lips as if still processing the situation while pronouncing the syllables, features softening at last. “what is it?”

sehun only smiles wider and intertwines his fingers with the shorter’s. “come see.”

he leads baekhyun to the bedroom in an eager pace, only letting go of his hand when the paper planes are within an arm’s reach. his smile only grows upon the look of surprise and awe painting over the smaller’s features, watching as many stars as the ones in the ceiling twinkle within the abyss of baekhyun’s eyes.

two small steps are taken forwards as baekhyun takes in the sight before turning towards the taller with an amused smile, a hint of a questioning look in his gaze. “are you trying to imply something about my age here?”

“maybe.” sehun replies teasingly so, corner of his lips twitching as he holds back a small laugh. “but since i was the one having the idea, i suppose you can judge me as well.”

a juvenile laugh escapes past baekhyun and he resumes to his task of observing the stars and paper planes, giving sehun the chance to walk behind him and slither his arms around baekhyun’s small waist. as he gently squeezes the tiny frame against his own chest, sehun decides baekhyun is his definition of home.

his head leans in and he presses two kisses on baekhyun’s skin; one on his neck and one just below the ear. baekhyun leans back into his touch and it warms sehun’s chest with liquid happiness.

the shorter turns around in sehun’s embrace, own arms moving to wrap around sehun’s neck in a light hold as his head rests against the taller’s broad shoulder. when he speaks again, his voice is much softer. “i’m sorry i called you a jerk.”

there are kisses peppered along baekhyun’s hair and sehun’s lips curl into an amused smile. “that’s alright. kinda felt like going back to middle-school.”

baekhyun’s face is hidden against his chest but sehun is sure he could feel the smaller smile, embrace tightening slightly as baekhyun tip-toes in order to tuck his head in the curve of sehun’s neck. a gentle kiss is left there, a silent seal of his words. “i like you a lot, sehun. i like you so much.”

and sehun’s heart skips a beat, all sorts of odd butterfly feelings bubbling in his chest as he buries his nose in the soft scent of baekhyun’s shampoo, smiling a little wider, a little brighter and indeed, it’s like going back to middle-school. “i like you a lot, too.”

 

 

love comes under the form of timid lovers sharing a bed that’s definitely too small for two, a ridiculous detail lost in between hushed tones and careful kisses, blushing cheeks and unspoken promises of affection. he tastes sweetness and stardust when he smiles against baekhyun’s lips, a favourite mix of flavours that sehun declares as a perfection description of baekhyun’s essence itself.

when he trails kisses down the shorter’s neck he transforms the next set of whispered words into a slur of syllables from baekhyun’s mouth, a sound sehun deems as highly pleasing to the ear, a perfect melody to play whilst painting glowing crimson on baekhyun’s bare skin. he traces the contours of his face, the curve of his back and the constellations of his complexion; he memorises the patterns of his skin texture, where baekhyun smiles most when tickled and where it’s harder to hold back a moan. baekhyun’s eyes scintillate with galaxies of their own, bright like supernovas trapped on dark tapestry.

this is how sehun wants him: flushed pink cheeks and hands fisting the back of his clothing, back arching and sighs clouding his mind. he leans down, leans closer; chests pressing together, enclosing the gap sitting too long between them to whisper sweet nothings into the shorter’s ear and feel how well his body reacts underneath his own.

when bare skin rubs on bare skin, baekhyun’s sighs grow louder and sehun’s ears get drunken in the sounds. when heat engulfs them and fingers lace in a tight hold of unspoken promises, it gets harder to breathe. when they become a mess of tangled limbs, when sehun can’t be too sure anymore where he starts and baekhyun ends, dizziness is prominent. when baekhyun’s nails dig into the back of his hands, eyes closed and lips parted in choked pleas, bliss.

as he rests his head on baekhyun’s chest, shapes of stars glowing on their skin as the dark of the night slowly consumes the room, his heartbeat becomes his lullaby; a soothing melody of wishing stars, a heavy pendulum of withering seconds.

 

 

the sun has yet to rise when sehun’s eyes blink open, sight immediately engulfed by a soft emerald glow radiating from the ceiling. it’s with a curve of a smile that he recalls his earlier decoration adventure, taking his time to appreciate the scintillating artificial sky above.

his body clock seems to stir baekhyun awake as well, feeling the smaller male move in the tangled sheets next to him. it’s within seconds that he feels the shy touch of feather-like fingertips tracing along the expanse of his arm, smile widening and lids falling closed for further enjoyment of the touch. baekhyun’s fingers aren’t rough and calloused like his own but instead quite soft indeed, gentle and suave as they imprint stories onto sehun’s skin. they travel up to sehun’s shoulder, thumb stretching to rub sharp collarbones, before tickling their way up the curve of sehun’s neck and lightly tapping on his cheek. baekhyun make a huffy noise and sehun knows he’s trying to hold back laughter as his fingertips rub circles on the tip of the mnemonist’s nose. sehun attempts a lazy biting motion and baekhyun laughs, fingers retreating in defeat up the bridge of his nose and instead resting atop of his closed left eyelid.

he feels baekhyun shift next to him and soon there’s radiating warmth above as the smaller hovers over him, thin lips pressing ever so lovingly on his cheek. there’s a fiery sensation that quickly burns up in his chest, either pride or pure adoration, pulling at his heartstrings the same way it pulls at the corner of his lips, stretching them further, wider.

“you remember me.” whispered syllables that trail off into baekhyun’s kisses as the latter peppers them up sehun’s temple.

“i do.” baekhyun’s fingers adventure themselves in sehun’s smoke coloured hair, lips against his forehead. “sehun.” he adds, as if proof of his memory.

“of course you do.” sehun opens his eyes as the shorter finally leans back, observing how prettily the emerald glows faintly on baekhyun’s dark hair. his smile grows lazily, amusement drawn over them as he reaches his index finger to poke baekhyun’s button nose. “naughty.”

baekhyun’s reply comes under the form of an innocent grin whilst he props himself up on his elbows, attention drifting from his lover to the glowing stars above. the covers slide down his shoulders as he moves and thus provide sehun a great view of the remaining little red spots marking otherwise clean skin, adding to the sense of pride blazing his ribcage. he takes the chance to slither an arm around baekhyun’s waist, scooting closer to lean in and press chaste kisses on the tiny marks. so distracted is he that when baekhyun speaks again, sehun hears him as if underwater. “it’s beautiful.”

“sex?”

baekhyun laughs louder and it feels like christmas morning. “the stars, silly.”

“oh.” short laughter echoes from sehun’s throat as well, lazily letting go of the shorter to rest on his back once more. eyeing the ceiling and the hanging paper planes, sehun can faintly read ‘and here are some stars on a plane’ on one of them, lips stretching at the fond memory. “i’m glad you like them.”

but baekhyun falls silent afterwards, and as sehun’s gaze drifts towards him, he isn’t looking at the pretty show sehun arranged for him anymore. instead his own gaze has fallen back to their pillows, distant and perhaps a little sad. the sudden change of mood is quick to awaken worry in sehun, yet just as his lips part in search of words, baekhyun speaks again. “i need to tell you something.”

sehun’s brows pinch together at the guilt drawn over baekhyun’s features and he wants to kiss it all way, so far away such look would never return, fingers extending to gently caress the shorter’s cheek. “what is it?”

baekhyun leans into his touch, eyes meeting his own in wilting happy times that sehun clumsily wants to glue back together as quickly as possible. his lips part and close again twice in obvious inner conflict, but defeat seems to take over baekhyun under the form of a sign as he pulls out a tiny smile. “i’ll tell you later. come take a shower with me?”

deprived of an opportunity to insist on the subject, sehun allows himself to be led by the hand towards a warm shower that didn’t prove itself enough to wash his worries away.

 

 

baekhyun seems to be in an especially stubborn mood for the rest of the day, deluging sehun in incessant requests of stargazing together again. there was never any need for such insisting for sehun would gladly take baekhyun there in a blink of eye, but baekhyun seemed restless and sehun figured it was a distraction attempt from that morning. nevertheless, he couldn’t help but feel glad that despite everything, baekhyun’s memory seemed to have clung to that particular night.

that is why when the night falls sehun finds himself under that starry blanket alongside baekhyun again, fingers intertwined to combat the persistent chills of early december weather. baekhyun is awfully quiet, unmoving next to sehun, eyes fixed above and sehun seems unable to figure something to say, words lost in between the scintillating dots above.

“i used to know so much about the universe.” muttered words come from baekhyun at last, spoken slowly so and in an odd shortness of breath as if hours of conversation had rolled by. “i could tell you everything. i could look up now and point which constellations we can see. but i can’t remember anything anymore.”

sehun purses his lips, fingers pressing reassuringly on the back of baekhyun’s hand. “nothing at all?”

“nothing at all.”

“that’s good.” he replies, and by the corner of his eye, he notices baekhyun’s head turning in confusion. “now you can make your own definition of the galaxy. what do you think it is?”

rather than offended, baekhyun seems lured in by the game as a little hum is heard from him and sehun is glad that is the case, tiny proud smile making itself noticeable on his lips. baekhyun moves closer to him, head finding sehun’s chest to rest on. “an expanse of opportunities. beautiful, thrilling yet frightening just the same.”

sehun smiles at the reply. “and the reason it exists?”

“i think,” baekhyun starts, and sehun shivers when the tip of the smaller’s nose tickles the skin of his neck. “i think that the universe was made just to be seen by your eyes.”

 

 

“i really like cats, but i like dogs more. i like animals in general.” baekhyun blabbers in shortness of breath as they walk side by side, sehun leading the way back to their apartments after a regular visit at kyungsoo’s coffeeshop. he can’t exactly recall how or why their conversation went from races to animals, but he enjoys listening to a blabbering baekhyun. “i actually don’t mind bugs either. i just don’t like those big ones, with the big ears and the trunk.”

“elephants?”

“yeah.”

“i think they’re cute.”

baekhyun scrunches up his nose. “you won’t be thinking that when it stomps on you.”

a smile pulls at sehun’s lips as he sends a funny look towards the smaller, shaking his head with a short huff of breath before looking back ahead. baekhyun was starting to give in on the set pace and so sehun slowed down his steps a little. “kyungsoo seemed a little tense today, didn’t he?”

baekhyun gives a soft shrug, an arm curling around sehun’s own to pull at him and slow him down even more. “he’s always tense. that’s why his eyes are so big.”

a juvenile laugh escapes sehun’s lips this time. “i guess.” he hums, stealing another glance towards the smaller. “there haven’t been any accidents between you two, right?”

“not that i remember. which isn’t very useful, i suppose.” baekhyun adds in a tad bitterly, and sehun’s smile fades. he focuses on the path ahead and baekhyun is quiet for a second, before speaking again. “i don’t know, though. i think he just worries more about me each day. makes me feel a little futile.”

“futile?” sehun’s brows pinch together at the term, lips pursing in disagreement. “a friend’s worry shouldn’t make you feel futile. he’s just concerned about your condition.”

“i know. he just overdoes it a little.” baekhyun sighs, head leaning against sehun’s arm. “i guess it can’t be helped, though. kyunsoo has been like this since basically ever.”

“kyungsoo.”

“—what?”

“you said his name wrong.”

baekhyun blinks, a little dumbfounded as his gaze meets sehun’s. “kyuns—“

“kyungsoo.”

there’s a hint of something akin to offence swimming in baekhyun’s irises now, something that worries sehun for his correction hadn’t meant to be rude in any way, yet it is but a slightly frustrated sigh that escapes past baekhyun’s lips, brows furrowing. “can we stop for a while? i’m tired.”

sehun presses his own lips in a line, concern sewing them together as he straightens his back a little. he did take early notice of baekhyun’s slow pace and slightly out of breath posture, a combination that didn’t ease sehun given as they had only been walking for roughly ten minutes by then. “baekhyun, we spent the whole day sitting.”

“i know,” baekhyun grumbles, noticeable grumpiness becoming prominent on his features, a clear sign of tiredness. “i’m just.. i’m really tired.”

“we’re almost home.” sehun points out, glancing back ahead as baekhyun whines by his side. most of the shorter’s weight is already leaning completely onto him and sehun doesn’t want to force baekhyun to drag himself across the neighbourhood, so he gives in with a little sigh. muttering a gentle ‘come on’, he lets go of the worn out boy and lowers himself.

“what are you—“

“get on my back.”

a frown is audible in baekhyun’s shy mumbling. “i’m twenty-two years old, that’s embarrassing.“

“there’s hardly anyone around.” sehun reminds, small smile of encouragement making itself noticeable through his own voice. “plus, it’s only embarrassing if you see it that way. i’d be more embarrassed to fall round on the ground out of exhaustion.”

it takes baekhyun a while, but defeat soon comes and sehun is victorious indeed, smile stretching as he feels slim arms lazily wrap around his neck. it’s with ease that he hooks his own arms under baekhyun’s knees, lifting the smaller up for a piggyback ride home. despite baekhyun’s earlier complaints, the boy is quick to find shelter in the curve of sehun’s neck, soft breathing tickling the skin and fighting off sehun’s anxiety.

“you have awful stamina.” sehun jokes, carrying the smaller with ease up the familiar street. “no wonder you’re so tiny.”

“i’m average.” baekhyun complains, voice drowsy with weariness. “you’re just too tall.”

a snort escapes sehun. “of course.”

however, it’s with fondness that sehun recalls and finds himself comparing the present moments to his childhood days once more, a parallel that seemed to be constantly present now. he remembers the amount of times jongin would carry him back home like this in their younger days, laughing at him whilst reassuring him a scrapped knee wasn’t enough reason to be taken to a hospital. jongin had always been the supportive one, the caring one while sehun was clumsy and naïve.

sehun notices how similar to his brother he’s become ever since he met baekhyun, something that undoubtedly fills his chest with pride for being like jongin had always been his growing wish.

he wonders if his sibling would be proud of him now, too.


	4. part three: lividus

there’s a constant presence of disbelief seated at the back of sehun’s mind, unable to comprehend how he allowed himself to give in to the dragging of a demanding little prince towards a natural park once the month’s first thick layer of snow settles in. it’s awfully cold and sehun finds himself concerned over baekhyun’s health, the rain incident burning holes in his mind at all times, but baekhyun is so incredibly excited that sehun can’t find it in himself to say no. he enjoys the icy weather, preferring it much better to hot humid air, but worry has made itself at home in his sternum and it stops him from fully enjoying their walk.

baekhyun speaks of wonders through pink cheeks and foggy breath, tiny life-filled smile present on his lips as he explains to sehun his incorrect perception of snowfall with the simplest words he can find. he stutters a lot, and sehun wishes it were from the cold; but he knows it’s not.

“i like christmas movies a lot because of the snow.” baekhyun comments, subject abruptly changed from snow angel metaphors to cheesy american films. “and all of the romantic stuff with the pretty scenery. i’ve always wanted to kiss someone under the falling snow on christmas.”

a tight smile curls on sehun’s lips, stopping a snort from slipping through. “did you, now?”

baekhyun laughs, taking advantage of their intertwined gloved fingers to give sehun’s waist a push. “don’t mock me! everyone has their own movie fantasies, alright.”

“if you say so.” sehun smiles, glancing down at the shorter before looking back ahead. “we can do that this christmas, then.”

he can see baekhyun grin a little by the corner of his eye. “deal.”

seconds turn into minutes of comfortable silence, the sound of boots walking on snow-covered paths pleasing to the ear. sehun’s compulsively fixed baekhyun’s a tad too big scarf, making sure it covered up to his chin before the smaller stubbornly pulled it down again for speaking purposes. eventually sehun gave in, head shaking slightly in disapproval to himself as he concentrated his attention on the naked trees and frozen branches.

there is, however, a tiny voice singing quietly in sehun’s ear; a constant reminder, a pressuring weight. and it kept on growing, bigger and bigger, heavier and heavier, until it forced sehun’s spine to bend alongside.

“when are you going to tell me?”

baekhyun stops his slow steps, lips parted to allow his slightly accelerated breathing as confused eyes met sehun’s. “what?”

sehun mindlessly kicks the heel of his feet on the snow softly so, giving off a shrug of a shoulder and a feather-light smile. “you’ve been meaning to tell me something for almost a week now. do you remember?”

“oh,” baekhyun breathes out, sudden unease attaching itself to his eyes in an unappealing way. “yes. i remember.”

sehun raises a brow high in his forehead, head tilting in an attempt at getting baekhyun to reciprocate the eye contact. “must be important, then.”

“it’s- complicated.” baekhyun sighs the word as if it had been a sacrifice to utter it, bow-shaped lips pressing together in an anxiety manifestation. “this isn’t the best place.”

“there’s no one around and far too many distractions at home for you to tell me there.” sehun attempts to reason, tugging gently at baekhyun’s hand to turn his body for a more frontal position. “just tell me.”

nervousness drenches baekhyun’s features by now, and it only motivates sehun to push it further. “sehun, this really isn’t the greatest time—“

“you just need to say it. quick and easy. you don’t need big words.”

“it’s honestly complicated—“

“you’ve been nervous the whole week. clearly you want to get it off your system.”

“sehun—“

“you won’t even remember you told me now.”

“i’m dying.”

icy blasts cut invisible wounds that cause immediate internal bleeding, words pairing before his eyes in frozen syllables that carve themselves deep and hard in sehun’s brain, scarring him so he would never have the luxury to forget. the cold that corrodes him from inside out freezes his throat and impairs his breathing, and sehun is sure he’s never felt himself fall so abruptly with his feet glued to the ground.

he doesn’t know how long he stood there, staring, wordless, unable to bring himself to reach forwards and save baekhyun as he drowned in a sea of guilt right before his eyes. all he knows is that when he finally found his voice, it came tinier, shakier than it had ever been. “—what?”

baekhyun shakes his head, but it’s not the denial sehun wishes it was. it’s not the easy-going one right before a “kidding!” exclamation escapes past his lips, it’s not the action followed by a wave of hand and a petite laugh. it’s one of apologies, of soaked bitterness and burning guilt for a fate that was never his to decide, it’s one of fear, fear because of himself, fear because of the reaction his words may cause. “i’m sorry-” there are no tears but he chokes out his words in a sob, anxiety he’s hidden so well behind silly talks surfacing mercilessly. “i’m sorry, i’m so sorry, sehun—“

“your disease-“ sehun’s voice is no better, adam apple bobbing restlessly in between the dry swallowing and the cracked words. “there was- there was never anything about dying, baekhyun—“

“i know, i know.” baekhyun sounds awfully apologetic and sehun hates it, hates it for there is no need to. for baekhyun shouldn’t feel the need to apologise over telling his lover he’s going to die, he shouldn’t need to apologise because he knows how much of an emotional wreck sehun truthfully is behind that fair façade of his, shouldn’t need to apologise for adding to his pain when he himself is under such greater pressure. “i didn’t know, either- i thought it was just my memory, but it’s everything. it affects everything.”

baekhyun is shaking and sehun can’t tell if it’s due to the cold or the anxiety; for the second time in his life, it felt as if his mind stopped at last.

“my hand tremors, my low stamina- they’re all signs. kyunsoo didn’t rest until he took me to a doctor. it will go downhill now and i’ll forget how to hold things, how to walk and how to talk- and eventually i’ll forget how to breathe.” panic causes him to speak faster, words stumbling over words and hitting sehun like boulders against his head, bruising him a little further, a little deeper. tear-filled eyes stare at him intently, barely expecting, mostly fearing. fearing not for himself, but for sehun.

“sehun…”

sehun didn’t realise how uncontrollably he was shaking until he felt baekhyun’s hand in his.

 

 

sight-seeing of a snow-covered landscape is replaced by the image of crumbling lovers.

sehun ended their date right there, wordlessly taking baekhyun away by the hand. the silence between them was bothersome. in the car, it becomes deafening.

neither dares to speak. baekhyun has cowered away from vocal matters, curled up in the passenger’s seat in a rather pitiful way, head resting against the window and glassy eyes fixed on the passing trees. sehun is dreadfully tense, both hands gripping the steering wheel and troubled gaze focused on the road.

everyone has their limits and sehun has reached his own too many years ago.

“i’m sorry,” sehun suddenly chokes out as the car speed slows down, enough to catch baekhyun’s hesitating attention. “can we just- can we stop for a while?”

but he leaves no room for a reply; the car is parked on the snowy side of the road, seatbelt unfastened the quickest way and hand flying to open the door, greeting the cold evening breeze and leaving behind an anxious baekhyun. he doesn’t look back, he can’t look back to the abandoned puppy gaze following his steps; he just walks, walks, continues walking along the road until he is some good metres away from the car, in the solitude of his turbulent thoughts and six pm air.

he stops and it’s only then, bathed in the silence of naked nature, that he realises how uneven his breathing is. chest heaving in heavy and unsteady ways, crooked digits of panic start creeping up on his body and tugging at his ribcage, harder and harder until they break through the bones and grab at the graveyard he’s starting to own as a heart. shoulder collides with the frost-covered trunk of a tall tree and sehun feels close to wheezing, the most awful thoughts, the most macabre memories of his brother’s death occupying his mind all at once in its intensity peak.

two persons he’s ever come to love. two bets he’s lost to death.

helplessness pools at his stomach while despair takes over his heart and his mind is lost in between the wars for he is not a soldier, was never a soldier. baekhyun called him a survivor once and sehun wishes to hold onto those words but insecurities speak louder and he doesn’t know if he can, because surviving abandonment once taught him nothing but the endless days of flooding memories and near insanity that come afterwards.

a clenched fist meets with the tree and sehun only realises he’s sobbing when arms move around his waist, the leaning of a head against his back at such a familiar height that nothing else is needed for sehun to know who has come to his aid; who has been doing this for so many months and who, one day, was to leave him alone once more.

“you’re not supposed to die—“ sobbed words escape his lips before sehun can even try to stop them, the warmth of rolling tears being nowhere near enough to combat the freezing cold he’s feeling. the uncontrollable shaking is back and he feels baekhyun’s arms hold him tighter. “you’re not supposed to die—not you too—not you, not you-“

when his knees succumb to the ground baekhyun goes with him, not complaining nor even wincing at the snow as he instead holds a broken sehun as tightly as he can, trying to collect the scattered pieces of his lover and glue him back together.

but it’s not possible, it’s not because there is one missing piece, and soon there will be two.

 

 

there’s a feeling akin to guilt mixed with shame dripping down his throat and pooling at his stomach for the majority of the following day, leaving sehun in a state close to miserable. the sentiment is one that reminds him of when he confessed the demons of his past to baekhyun, allowing himself to strip naked of his feelings and beg of baekhyun to still love him underneath the pretty façades. he disliked the aftermath taste, though; the sense of vulnerability he’s left with, knowing he has once again given in to his weakest side and let baekhyun handle it all when the latter was the one bearing the bad news.

kyungsoo had offered to spend the day with baekhyun once aware of their situation to which sehun was grateful, even if the scent and dullness of his house felt even more foreign now than it had ever been.

it isn’t until dawn, when kyungsoo finally leaves the building next door, that sehun sees baekhyun again when the latter appears by his window, brown doe eyes meeting sehun’s who had perhaps been waiting this moment for a while now. sehun attempts a smile; tiny curl of lips, cracked at the edges. baekhyun reciprocates it, but there’s still sadness in between them and sehun intends to make it disappear.

it’s then that he reaches for one of the paper planes lying forgotten on his desk, empty for he decided this was an actions speak louder than words situation. he opens the window and, with a knowing smile, baekhyun does the same.

it’s a smooth catch when the paper plane flies from sehun’s cold hands and is caught by baekhyun’s warm ones, held in between delicate fingertips while a smile of bigger enthusiasm stretches further. stealing one last glance of excitement at sehun, baekhyun disappears from his line of sight and it leaves a warm feeling of rightness in the mnemonist’s chest, digits tapping the hard surface of his window sill as he awaits.

when baekhyun returns, moments later, the pretty smile is gone and it shoots right through sehun’s heart.

in his trembling hands, a crumbled sheet of paper.

“i’m sorry,” his voice is merely a whisper but the wind carries it effortlessly towards sehun, broken apologetic smile wilting in baekhyun’s features. “—i can’t do it anymore.”

 

 

“one, two.. two..”

“three.”

“three, four, five..”

sehun listened patiently as baekhyun counted the glow-in-the-dark stars one by one, shaky index finger guiding him, sehun aiding him when memory fails. this was how they spent the evening: lying in bed, baekhyun’s body pressed against his own, counting the stars and paper planes over and over again. six days and seven hours have passed since the big announcement and winter is merciless, hovering cold and ruthless over seoul and rendering baekhyun weaker and weaker by the day. it’s in despair that sehun becomes the clingy person he never was, holding onto baekhyun for as long as he is just allowed, leaking patience for love knows no limits when your dearest one withers in your own arms.

“shun.”

spoken words reach his ears as if underwater, and it takes one more attempt for sehun to realise he is being called.

“shun-“

he blinks, eyes meeting baekyun’s searching ones. slurred speech had become prominent as of late, but it was the first time baekhyun had failed to properly pronounce his name. “yes, gorgeous?”

and there it was again: the apologetic look, the guilty eyes and the frightened lips. the one expression sehun hated to see in baekhyun; the one that had become most conspicuous. “i don’t want to forget.”

a simple whisper, a sincere wish. one that comes in tiny syllables and shaky words, one that leads sehun to cup his cheeks and lean in, foreheads touching together in the lightest of affections. “you won’t.” he reassures, thumbs rubbing circles on cheekbones. “i’ll remember for you. i’ll always remember for you.”

“shun..”

“sehun,” he corrects in the gentlest way he possible can, hurt still making itself noticeable in his voice despite his attempt at keeping it restrained. “it’s sehun, baek.”

“sehun..” the dark-haired male whispers once more, and the achievement earns a tiny smile on sehun’s lips. their eyes met, and baekhyun’s eyes overflow with honesty. “take good care of our memories, will you?”

sehun replies with the most painful smile. “i will. i promise.”

and it’s a promise he knows he will keep for choice was never an option.

 

 

“go on.” sehun whispers, the quietness of the room aiding him in achieving a gentle tone. “you can do it.”

it had been awfully silent in that house as of late, except for the dreadful moments in which baekhyun’s memory failed him on faces and dropped him in panic ocean, where he wouldn’t accept sehun’s hand no matter how close to drowning. it made sehun fondly recall afternoons spent in nothing but the company of gentle melodies coming to him from baekhyun’s open bedroom window, filling his ears with joy and emptying his mind of thoughts even if just for a little while.

it had been so long and playing was something baekhyun had always enjoyed; sehun just wanted him to try again, to bring a momentary splash of colour to this void they lead as their quotidian life.

baekhyun seems a little uncertain, a little unsure. the bright overwhelming confidence he once held was slowly crumbling down and sehun wanted to savour whatever remains he still had. “what song?”

“our song.” the taller smiles, and, if anything, his choice could be justified by it being a simple melody. “twinkle little star.”

baekhyun slowly nods and his brows furrow slightly as he concentrates, slender fingers brought to rest atop the glistening keys. it takes him one second, two seconds, three seconds until digits temptingly press on them, the familiar notes echoing in the otherwise quiet room. it goes at a much slower pace than usual, but sehun is glad to at least be able to hear baekhyun play again; it brought him some sense of conformity he craved for in that house.

he didn’t bother to point out – nor did he even care – the missed notes here and there, but it would have been silly of him to believe baekhyun would fail to notice for his hearing hasn’t been affected just yet; they’re hardly halfway through the song when baekhyun gives in, a sigh of defeat accompanied by slumping of shoulders. “i don’t know how it goes anymore.” he confesses, evident sadness making itself noticeable in his gaze as he eyes the monochrome keys.

“hey,” sehun hushes, a gentle hand brought up the dark-haired boy’s back. “take your time. you were doing well.”

“i was off-key.” he retorts, and he was right. “i don’t- i just don’t remember, sehun. don’t make me do this.”

held-back frustration was clear in his voice and whilst sehun feared it would spill, he, too, was scared; scared of losing the beauty of baekhyun’s piano abilities, scared of losing baekhyun.

“c’mon, baekhyun-“ sehun encourages, moving closer to the shorter as he gently rubs his hand up and down his spine. by the corner of his eye, he notices the smaller’s own fingers have started to tremble, clear sign of pent-up stress. “you can do it. we’ve done this so many times.”

but baekhyun shakes his head and sinks his teeth into his lower lip, slight twitches of hand indicating unresponsive strength from his body as he seemed to struggle with the simple action of pushing down the keys. it was a saddening sight; the fall of a great pianist, the dreadful destiny of a young virtuoso.

the realisation that baekhyun may never play again.

“i can’t, i can’t-“

“it’s okay,” sehun quickly hushes once baekhyun’s voice cracks, hands going to the rescue of the shorter’s trembling ones, holding them tightly in between his own. “we can just sing it, mh? let’s sing it, baekhyun. like the first time we played together. you know the lyrics, right?”

baekhyun gives a shaky nod alongside a small sniffle and sehun attempts to smile, but he doesn’t know if it ended up looking sadder than the doe eyes looking at him right now. “c’mon- twinkle, twinkle..”

“little star..“ baekhyun continues in choked words, anxiety speaking in place of his natural voice. “how-..”

“how i wonder.. c’mon, you know the lyrics-”

“what- wh..” he stutters, word after word and it’s pitiful if anything to witness, round cheeks heating as tears threaten to spill and sehun knows he’s pushed the limit too far. “i can’t- i c-can’t remember, i can’t- sehun-“

“it’s okay- it’s okay,” sehun immediately hushes, trying to fix what he’s broken whilst ignoring his own shattered heart, hands moving to instead cup the smaller’s face and use his thumbs to rub away the falling tears. “it’s a bad day, baekhyun. it’s just a bad day- you will remember. it will be alright.“

but the sad truth he was confronted with, as he held a finally breaking baekhyun in his arms, was that baekhyun has been having bad days for too long now.

 

 

like with most diseases, baekhyun is granted fate’s luck with better days and worse days, unable to know beforehand how badly his mind and body will trick it from the moment he wakes up until he gives in to tiredness once more. it’s all a matter of hoping and expecting, sehun has come to realise, a cruel game of nature to decide whether to add to the already unbearable weight on their shoulders or allow a single day of rest among depressing and panicking ones.

today is a bad day.

today is one of the worst days.

baekhyun is almost unresponsive by now, unfocused sunken gaze fixed on the hanging paper planes, hands trembling in his lap. he’s grown weaker, too weak and sehun fears for him; the cold gets him bad and on days like these, baekhyun is awfully slow. he looks sick, acts sick and overflows sickness in every movement, sickness this that sehun can’t seem to fight no matter the amount of blankets he throws on the boy, no matter the amount of peppered kisses and whispered prayers.

depression is an ugly sight. uglier it is to witness slowly but surely overcome such a happy spirit, committing carnage of positive vibes and claiming its throne in baekhyun’s rotting bones. sehun thought baekhyun was stronger, but his tenebrous old friend proves him wrong once more.

“hi,” sehun’s greeting comes under the form of a mere whisper as he crouches down in front of baekhyun, attempting a cracked smile up at the other. his hands slither to gather baekhyun’s in his own, habit recently acquired, and when the shorter’s gaze meets his own, he smiles just the same. it felt like a game of who could smile the brightest while hurting the most. “remember me..?”

baekhyun nods faintly and sehun attempts to smile a little wider. “good.. what’s my name, baekhyun?”

lips part but no proper reply comes apart from a choked little noise, a cut off attempt, regretted too soon and stopped before further try. baekhyun’s thin lips press together, part once more, trying, struggling, but when the only reply sehun receives is the dreadfully familiar apologetic look, he has to pretend it doesn’t hurt as much as it did.

“c’mon..” he encourages softly, one of the hands moving to affectionately fix baekhyun’s dark hair. “you know it. you know my name.”

but baekhyun shakes his head slowly, shakily so, apologies dizzying sehun in suffocating quantities. instead of his name, three little words are breathed from baekhyun’s lips, drenched in guilt and hurt; a whispered apology. “—i love you..”

sehun pretends his smile doesn’t feel like blades slicing his flesh open. “i love you too, baby.” lips press to the shorter’s forehead, an attempt at stopping himself from pushing baekhyun to the limits of an anxiety attack once more. “you will be alright, okay..? everything will be alright.”

he wishes either of them believed it.

 

 

they say the sun always comes after a rainstorm, and while the perception of sun may be debatable regarding their situation, sehun will consider it luck if baekhyun can smile at least a little further than a forced twitch of lips. muscle exhaustion has made itself noticeable in the way baekhyun’s stamina has decreased dangerously, leading to days mostly spent in the heat of his bedroom, curled up under covers and listening to the grains of sand from their relation hourglass slowly fall, one by one, at their feet.

it’s becoming critical, in sehun’s eyes, how stopped they’ve become. vivid memories of their earlier days are unstoppable as they flash through his mind in constant cruel comparisons, earning a pooling feeling of helplessness and a suffocating squeeze at his throat. this, he decides, is not what baekhyun would have wanted; despair and depression speak syllables for him nowadays but two mere months ago this same boy would be full of energy, dragging sehun outside by the hand while uncaring of the cold weather or inconvenient times. sehun believes that, chained to the bottom of this black sea drenching baekhyun’s insides, there’s still a hand reaching out for him.

a hand for which sehun will keep on searching, no matter how desperate, no matter how futile it may be.

“dance with me.”

a sudden request, hanging in the air expectantly like dust particles. baekhyun shifts under the pile of covers, head turning towards the voice source with sleepy blinks. “what..?”

“dance with me.” sehun repeats, weight dipping the mattress as he sits by baekhyun’s side, small smile of daring excitement curling on his lips. it’s not too often that he dares to delude himself with baseless excitement, but he can’t deny the hint of a good feeling aiding his courage behind the request.

baekhyun seems confused, weakly pushing himself up on his elbows. “i don’t think i can dance..”

“you do. it doesn’t have to be much. we don’t need to be eccentric.” sehun smiles a little further, hand brought to carefully fix the strands of hair funnily sticking out on baekhyun. “see, my brother liked dancing a lot. when i was little, four to six years old, he would hold my hands and let me step on his feet. he’d do all the work, all the leading, but we were still dancing together and it was wonderfully fun.”

and it’s with an oddly hopeful feeling, rather than the usual saddening bitter one, that sehun once again realises he’s becoming much like his brother.

“we can do that.” he insists, voice remaining soft nevertheless to avoid pushing the idea on baekhyun if truthfully undesired. “you’ll step on my feet and i’ll do the dancing. it will be fun, baekhyun.” he reassures upon the look of uncertainty in baekhyun’s eyes, fear of exhaustion clear in his features. sehun understands baekhyun’s body can’t handle so much physical effort, so gentleness is a must. gentleness has become a must with baekhyun too long ago. “do you trust me?”

the few seconds of expectation when an offer hangs in the air are the worst, ones in which sehun holds onto his hopes and studies every slight change in baekhyun’s facial expression, looking for signs of either acceptance or rejection. eventually there’s a soft sigh escaping past thin lips, but before they could crawl up sehun’s sternum under the form of anxiety, a tiny smile stretches on them afterwards. “i do.”

and it’s with those words of permission that sehun finds himself holding baekhyun’s hands in his own, stopping their constant tremor and aiding the shorter in standing up. it’s a careful process and sehun does it in such gentle way that he briefly wonders, behind those distant eyes of his, if baekhyun ever feels bothersome.

nonetheless it’s not the time nor place for reassurance in matters that could possibly upset the smaller were they brought up, and instead sehun just smiles, raising baekhyun’s arms and encouraging him to rest his feet atop his own. he’s quite sure his younger self was lighter on his brother’s feet than baekhyun is on his own, but the fact that sehun expected a heavier weight sends worries creeping up his spine.

“there we go.” sehun whispers, tiny smile of incitement audible in his voice. “easy, right?”

baekhyun doesn’t reply but instead meets sehun’s gaze, a small tired smile of his own easing his anxieties, and sehun decides it’s more than enough.

slow steps, slower turns. there’s no definite melody playing in his mind besides their steady soft breathing, feet instead taking him back and forth and left and right where there’s space in baekhyun’s tiny room, swinging slightly and aiming to lull the shorter in lullabies of reassurance and care. baekhyun was rather tense at the beginning but slowly he relaxes in sehun’s hold, giving in to the sweetness of their moment and allowing sehun’s steps to wash away any worry burning the back of his tired mind.

sehun awaits humming from baekhyun, but doesn’t expect it; he’s learnt to stop expecting habitual actions from the smaller, and although hurtful at first, he’s learnt to understand it if anything. he decides to instead take the matter into his own hands, humming lowly, softly, a random tune created in the moment and for the moment as he leads baekhyun around the room, filling in the blank quietness between their moving bodies.

it’s only a minute after that a reminder flashes in sehun’s mind, one he had been thinking of just the night before.

“baekhyun,” he calls, ending his made-up melody but tone remaining the same soft, hushed one. baekhyun makes a little noise in reply, gaze lifting to meet the taller’s. “we never became official.”

words meant to be confusing, curling a tiny smile on sehun’s lips as confusion shows in baekhyun’s features for he did want to explain. “what..?”

“us. our relation.” sehun clears up, stopping their dancing but keeping a hold of baekhyun just the same. “i thought of this last night.”

“oh..” a soft sigh of realisation escapes baekhyun’s, one that sehun knows holds no true meaning for, exchanged promises or not, baekhyun wouldn’t remember. just like he doesn’t remember their first meeting, just like he doesn’t remember their first fight, just like he doesn’t remember crying when his memory failed him on a nursery rhyme known throughout the world. but sehun pretends to look past these infernal details, and he keeps his spirit high.

he’s learnt to pretend a lot when it comes to baekhyun nowadays.

“i think it’s about time, right?” sehun continues, gentle smile remaining on his lips almost naturally so in comparison to the forced curls of late. a hand lets go of baekhyun’s to grab a soft hold of the smaller’s chin instead, tilting his head for eye contact as his smile stretches further. “so.. will you be my boyfriend?”

four seconds pass and it’s not a reply sehun receives – instead it’s but a rather childish curve of lips, a sound akin to a small snort emitted from baekhyun as amusement shows itself prominent in brown irises. laughter – a sound once so habitual, a sound reduced to such rarity that sehun is taken aback.

“what?” the sound, although tiny like baekhyun’s entire being has become, is one that quickly fills sehun’s chest with radiating warmth, short laugh escaping past his own lips for the mere fact that he thought he wouldn’t hear baekhyun laugh again. “why are you laughing?”

“that’s cute..” he finally replies, and in that smile, that tiny cheeky smile of his, sehun sees the same baekhyun he met during summer. “like high school. i never thought i’d hear you ask such thing.”

“i can give in to clichés once in a while too, you know?” sehun’s both arms now slither around baekhyun’s waist in a gentle but close hold, gaze unmoving from the shorter’s face, savouring the expression while it lasted. “a proper reply would be nice, too.”

baekhyun’s hands find sehun’s shirt to hold onto, and although it’s weak for the trembling doesn’t allow him greater grip, they’re close and it’s more than enough. “yes.. yes, i will.”

when sehun leans in, lips pressing together in unspoken vows, in the spare seconds of smile against smile, he forgets all of their past turbulent days.

 

 

 

it’s late evening when sehun steps back in baekhyun’s room, two mugs of just-made hot chocolate in his hands by baekhyun’s request. the sun has set and the glowing stars illuminate the room in gentle tones of emerald, but baekhyun isn’t sitting on the bed anymore like he was when sehun left the room. instead he has moved to a chair near the window, eyes set on the one belonging to sehun’s apartment.

when he finally takes notice of sehun’s presence in the room and turns his head, sehun spots the thin pile of paper sheets held by baekhyun’s hands. their eyes met, and after a second or two, baekhyun smiles. “—there’s something i want to do.”

 

 

it’s with major reluctance that sehun finds himself driving so late at night, lips pressed together in a thin line of stress for baekhyun’s idea did not amuse him the slightest. visiting their spot on the hill in the dead cold of a winter night, when baekhyun is already so weak and susceptible to bigger sickness is one that sehun finds dreadful, but when baekhyun asked him in such tiny voice, pouring a weak wish in sehun’s hands, he couldn’t find it in himself to refuse.

he only hopes he doesn’t come to regret giving in to baekhyun’s requests.

baekhyun sits quietly by his side, eyes fixed on the road ahead, stuffed in layers of layers of clothing sehun put on him. on his lap rest twenty-four miniature paper planes that baekhyun insisted on sehun to make; recreations of the paper planes they’ve exchanged, he said. the purpose behind such rushed requests was still unknown for sehun, but he knew that, if anything, he was soon going to find out.

thirty minutes later and he finds himself leaning against the car bonnet, baekhyun’s back against his chest, arms securing the blanket around the shorter’s body. rather than their exact spot under the stars, baekhyun requested for them to be able to observe the city lights this time, and so sehun granted it. the night was indeed extremely cold, snow and frost covering most if not all surrounding verdure. baekhyun shakes in his arms and sehun wraps the blanket better around his shoulders.

the paper planes rest secured in baekhyun’s arms, held closely against his chest to avoid being stolen by the wind. he leans against sehun calmly, quietly, and sehun awaits.

“you can’t forget and i can’t remember.” baekhyun speaks at last, voice soft and surprisingly calm considering the surrounding cutting cold. “it’s going to become a burden to you.. all these memories.”

sehun listens in silence.

“i know this is silly, because it won’t make you forget.” baekhyun continues, and sehun is sure he can hear a tiny broken smile in his voice. “it’s more of a symbolic thing, really.. something to put me at ease, i guess.” a pause. “i don’t know how much time has passed, so i chose twenty-four because.. it’s how many paper planes are in my room.”

it’s with surprise that sehun doesn’t recall ever counting the paper planes for baekhyun, nor does he remember the shorter being able to count past six as of late. he’s just about to ask about it when baekhyun speaks again, and not wanting to interrupt him now that the shorter is managing to talk so much, he decides to wait once more.

“i want these to.. to symbolise the bad days.” baekhyun mutters, the excessive talking rendering him slightly breathless already. he shifts in his position, gaze set on the miniature planes. “so we can let go of them. so only good memories of me will remain.”

sehun rests his chin on baekhyun’s shoulder, tiny smile of appreciation curling on his lips. he didn’t know what made him feel warmer: the fact that baekhyun was silly enough to come up with such an idea in the middle of a freezing winter night, or the fact that baekhyun wanted to free sehun of his demons the best he could, even if it could only happen in a figurative way. even if ineffective, the thought of it, the intention of it; it was enough for sehun to feel at peace.

he turns his head, nestling against baekhyun’s neck, pressing a chaste kiss on cold skin. “i think it’s a wonderful idea.”

even more wonderful was the sight of twenty-four paper planes consequently being released from the top of the hill, taken away by the wind in spirals and twirls, setting a couple free of burdensome chains even if for the mere seconds they witnessed papercraft dance before being lost to the beaming city lights below.

“shun,” baekhyun’s voice seizes the paper planes wonders in the way that it cracks, replacing peace with worry in sehun’s sternum in such way that he hardly pays attention to the mispronunciation of his name once again. baekhyun is clearly shaking more in his arms and sehun fears for a moment that he may have succumbed to sadness right there, but as he turns around, there’s a smile plastered on his lips; one contradicting in contrast to glassy eyes. “you know i love you, right?”

there’s urgency in baekhyun’s voice and it concerns sehun, hands brought to holds the shorter’s cheeks. thumbs wipe the threatening tears forming in the corner of his eyes and baekhyun smiles further, his own trembling hands brought to sehun’s face. “of course, baekhyun. of course i do.”

“good,” a breathy, shaky chuckle escapes past his thin lines as sehun leans their foreheads together, and he can’t recall ever seeing such conflicted emotion in one’s expression before. the smile was genuine, but the tears were hurtful. “promise me. promise me you’ll never forget just how much i love you.”

“i won’t.” sehun promises, and once again, it’s a promise craved permanently in the back of his mind. thumbs wipe baekhyun’s eyes once more and the tips of their noses touch, whispers exchanged in between the wind. “i promise. i love you too, baekhyun. i love you so much.”

baekhyun smiles the widest he’s ever smiled in the past month, and ignoring the conflicting tears still rolling down pale cheeks, he tip-toes and presses their lips together.

their kiss tastes of purity, love and indisputable apologies.

 

 

 

it’s with odd unfamiliarity that sehun wakes up to a dull ceiling, stripped naked of stars and paper planes. the sight, plus the lack of warmth by his side, feels strange to the bone despite the fact that sehun is, in fact, sleeping in his own room. he recalls baekhyun asking sehun to spend the night in his apartment as they returned from the hill, muttering something along the lines of spending time alone with their own thoughts. it’s another request that doesn’t particularly please sehun for he knew already baekhyun wouldn’t recognise him the next day, but he did seem troubled after the release of the miniature paper planes and therefore sehun found himself once again obliged to comply baekhyun’s wish.

waking up in a bed that isn’t baekhyun’s did remind him of their earlier days before they pretty much started sharing baekhyun’s apartment, and sehun wonders if that too was the effect baekhyun aimed for with this request.

it’s with surprise that he notes the clock is past 11am when he gets up from the bed for sehun had always been an early bird just like he was a night owl, a combination that perhaps wasn’t the healthiest, but one that sehun was used to enough for his body to not give in to extra hours of sleep like this. with a glance out of the window, he’s displeased to notice baekhyun has fallen victim to his habit of opening his own window, the cold morning air free to enter the room of a boy far too sick to afford such treatment. the visible paper planes twirl and turn with the fair breeze but there isn’t much movement otherwise, leading to the assumption that baekhyun may still be asleep just the same.

sehun opts for a quick shower before being on his way to baekhyun’s house, taking the hot water as some sort of mental preparation to deal with the heartbreaking moment where their eyes will meet and baekhyun will fail to recognise the person he whispered promises of love just the night before.

sporting casual clothes and still damp hair, sehun was ready to leave the house when he notices, after unlocking the screen of his phone, three missed calls from kyungsoo in the meantime. it comes with oddity for kyungsoo was never one to contact sehun much, causing the mnemonist to not think twice before his thumb is tapping the green button to dial back the waiter.

his free hand is twisting the his front door’s knob when he hears the noise of the call being picked up. on the other line, shaky, distressed breathing. “—kyungsoo?”

the next spoken words hit sehun like a thousand icy winters.

 

 

“baekhyun is dead.”


	5. Chapter 5

it’s incredible, sehun comes to realise, how everything related to baekhyun still seems so bright. there’s an undeniable sense of dullness that overcomes everything belonging to a person when said person is gone, something often emphasised in movies, yet baekhyun’s house maintains that charm that lured sehun in so easily the first time he stepped in. it is, however, much quieter than he remembers indeed; quieter than his last days spent in between whisperings and mutterings, for even if silence reigned, he still had that faint murmuring of baekhyun’s voice reassuring him next to his ear.

everything remains untouched, even a week after the news of his lover’s suicide that still ring in his mind incessantly, still keep him awake during sleepless nights. everything still smells of baekhyun and feels like baekhyun, burning him in little stings every time he turns his head and sees a faint image of his little neighbour.

in the kitchen, sipping his far too sweetened coffee, sharing bright smiles and loud words.

in the living room, slender fingers playing the most beautiful melodies, the harmonious voice making the sun shine a little brighter.

sehun stops as his feet reach the bedroom.

the overflowing of memories is inevitable at this point, flashing bright before his very own eyes. right there, he recalls standing right there when he watched baekhyun’s awe over the glow-in-the-dark stars, the bright smiles and the playful teasing. he looks at the undone bed, mattress still slightly dipped in from where the weight of their bodies would lie together, and he recalls the countless nights spent in each other’s arms – sometimes laughing, sometimes not –, the exchanged sweet nothings and the million peppered kisses. the nights he took for granted even when he was already aware of their set clock, mercilessly ticking the seconds away, seconds spent in agony that sehun would give anything to go through once more. let it come with all the pain, all the tears and all the suffering, and sehun would embrace them for at least baekhyun would still be standing right next to him.

(he’d gladly swim in misery lake for two more hours with baekhyun.)

it’s strange, how calm he feels. perhaps it’s because he’s in baekhyun’s room, surrounded by baekhyun’s things; they radiate familiar warmth on him, engulfing him in tender memories. that, or he’s merely reached such a rock bottom point, reduced to scattered pieces of shattered glass, that he’s become terrifically numb.

there is, however, something that stands out to his eye; baekhyun’s closed laptop, left on top of his nightstand where it had not been when sehun last left the house. it’s nothing but pure curiosity that lead his feet towards it, crouching down as he opens the laptop lid. surprise takes him aback when the screen lights up to show a paused video, something that could easily be justified by a mere way of passing time if only the person in front of his eyes weren’t, in fact, baekhyun himself.

his droopy eyes appear puffy and with slight redness, and sehun easily associates the outfit shown in the picture with the one baekhyun wore during their first fight. in fact, sehun easily identifies the background behind baekhyun as his living room couch, and he wonders if this was recorded while he was out to buy the stars.

nevertheless, it takes him mere seconds before he clicks play.

“—hi, um.. baekhyun.” baekhyun fidgets on the screen, anxiety noticeable in his features and by now sehun has no doubts this was indeed done after their fight; he leans backwards, observing carefully. “—you probably don’t remember doing this, but it’s alright. your disease, it’s.. it’s not going to get better. it will only get worse now.”

he pauses, and sehun finds himself holding his breath alongside baekhyun.

“there is no way out. you’re going to forget how to write, how to read, how to talk- your disease will degenerate faster and faster and you will end up absolutely useless. a bother, truly.” he says, harsh words that sehun begs to disagree with; harsh words he can’t argue with as of now. baekhyun sniffles on screen, and when his eyes meet the camera, sehun’s heart almost jumps to his throat. “you don’t want that. you don’t want that, baekhyun- you don’t want to become attached to a hospital bed, unable to do anything on your own. you don’t want to have your friends pity you all the time, you don’t want to look at them and see strangers all the time. see.. they’re going to tell you it’s okay, and that they will support you, but that’s not true. that’s never true. it’s always bothersome, it’s impossible not to be bothersome.”

baekhyun pauses. a deep breath is taken, and so he continues.

“listen.. when you watch this video again, if you can hardly write anymore, there’s something i want you to do. you need to follow my instructions carefully, and you can’t let anyone know. especially sehun. he would never let you do this, so don’t let him know.” he speaks slowly so, warningly so. “in your left nightstand, in the last drawer, there will be a bottle of pills and a letter.”

realisation hits sehun like a splash of freezing water, eyes falling closed in utter disbelief.

“—i want you to take the letter and leave it in sehun’s mail box. if you can’t remember where he lives, it’s the building next to yours. door number nine, third floor, right side. don’t ring the bell, don’t tell him- let him find out on his own. then you are to return immediately after, and act very quick. this is very important. take the bottle of pills, and—“

the video is abruptly cut off by sehun harshly closing the laptop lid, having heard enough already. his fingers shook, a poison-like type of adrenaline rushing through his veins in the worst kinds of way, shaky breaths escaping his lips as the information sunk in. seeking for this particular day spent with baekhyun is easy in a mind palace like sehun’s, recalling one of the few afternoons baekhyun spent at his house; the story of his past and the sleeping pills.

the hint he failed to understand. the information he gave, reason behind baekhyun’s idea.

the overwhelming guilt filling his lungs.

it’s with trembling hands that sehun opens the last drawer, unsurprised to find no letter nor bottle inside anymore. shaking, anxious and suffocating, sehun’s legs are taking him down the stairs of baekhyun’s apartment before he can even register it, the only thing in his mind being the need to reach his mailbox as fast as he possibly could.

he’s hardly breathing when he’s met with a single sealed envelope, sitting in the dark of the metallic box. inside is a clumsily written letter, handwriting that progressively grows shakier and mistakes corrected in rushed ways.

 

_“dear ~~shun sh~~ sehun,_

_there’s a lot i want to tell you. i’m not good with written words, but i’ll try for you. if you’re reading this, i’m probably not here anymore. i’m sorry.. you must think i’m a coward, right? i think i am, too. i’m scared of becoming a ~~boh~~ bother to you and everyone else. i’m scared of you not loving me anymore because you feel it, but because you need to. that’s not how i want you to remember me._

_say.. you can’t forget, right? then please remember me. but remember me for my good days, for the times we spent together laughing and talking. that’s why i’m leaving so soon, you see? so everyone can remember my smile instead of my sunken face._

_you know, i remembered today. i tried ~~vry~~ very much, very hard, and i remembered. i remember how we first met, the day you moved here. you dropped your wallet and i picked it up for you, didn’t i? i have a vague memory of that. it’s cute. cliché, but i like clichés._

_i remember when i got your first paper plane with nothing written on it and i felt so intrigued. i remember when you sent your first written paper plane and i thought it was lovely. you are very mysterious, aren’t you, sehun? you told me your past, but i feel like i still don’t know a lot about you. you said you used to race. i wish you had told me more about your life after your brother’s death, but i suppose mystery is one of your charms._

_i remember when we first went ~~stargz staar~~ stargazing together. i remember when we played the piano and sang together. you have a very nice voice, sehun. and a beautiful laugh, because i remember how much you laughed when we fell at the park. are you proud of me, sehun? i am proud of you. and i know jongin is, too._

_ah.. i don’t know what to say. ~~i’m scared.~~ i’m scared of dying. it’s contradictory to say this now, isn’t it? i’m sorry. i wish you could hold me through it, but that would be cruel of me, wouldn’t it? i wish i could stay with you. i wish we could travel the world together, i wish we could grow old together. i wish we could watch the stars for the rest of our days, i wish we could share a life and a house and maybe adopt a pet together. that would be cute, right? i wish we could share many christmas together, i wish i could surprise you every year on your birthday with a greater gift, i wish i could make you fall in love with me again every single day for many many years to come._

_but it’s not possible, is it? it’s not and it’s so unfair. why did this happen to us? it’s ridiculous, right? there are so many happy couples out there and we don’t get to have that privilege too. i feel like people take little things for granted so easily.. while i cling to little things the most, because i won’t have second nor ~~tir~~ third chance to do it again._

_i’m sorry. this got sad, didn’t it? and very long, too. my wrist hurts and i can’t see very well. it’s so blurry. i hope you can understand what i ~~write~~ wrote._

_sehun.. remember that we can still see the light of stars who died many, many years ago. can i become a star, too? so my light can carry on, even after my death? i hope so. i think it’s my last wish._

_i love you so much, sehun. thank you. thank you for everything, thank you for taking care of me, thank you for listening to me, thank you for holding me, thank you for always loving me. you are the best thing that’s ever happened to me. don’t forget it. don’t forget us._

_remember us, for me._

_byun baekhyun.”_

 

at the end of the letter, attached with some tape, is a small note written in a much clumsier, much wonkier handwriting that certainly had been added recently.

 

_“twinkle twinkle little star,_  
_how i wonder what you are,_  
_up above the world so high,_  
_like a diamond in the sky”_


End file.
